if you leave, don't leave twice

So first things first, I have some things to say to say to some loverly people:
Ruby, Lily, and Claire. You are loverly ladies with loverly hearts who make me all warm and loverly and fuzzy. Let me tell you something (it's gonna be real cheesy but it's the best analogy I can come up with). I wake up everyday and I feel like I' m trapped in a world where I wear grey colored glasses (yes this is my version of rose colored glasses but for depressed people). Everything is one blah color. Once in a while, sometime more often than not, there are little flashes of color. Those comments will leave color in my little grey world for a very long time.

And so I begin:

I am depressed. It's a painfully obvious fact and has been for a while but never has it been THIS apparent. It's gotten to the point where I'm happy when I'm depressed because it's so normal for me that I have to embrace the awfulness, or I would literally just cry all the time. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It's like because I'm so down all the time, I'm used to it and it doesn't hurt as much any more, so my norm is depressed but I've become a little desensitized to the awfulness and things just get worse and worse. The awful becomes the norm which becomes the happy.


Someone said to me a while back, I just want the Maria back who was always bubbly and laughed way too loud. And it made me cry because I'm not even remotely similar to that girl anymore.

That Maria was curvy and fun. She loved to laugh and hear other people to laugh and didn't have angst or depression or anything she needed to cry about except that her parents wouldn't let her out to party it up with her fabulous and plentiful friends.

Maria now is haggard and tired and has lost too much weight (I was 120 at the end of August, I'm 105 now and have been since at least Halloween. That's a lot of weight to lose in that short an amount of time if you aren't even trying. But for realz, have YOU tried to eat while way too anxious? You just puke it all back up). She laughs much more rarely and much less loudly. She isn't as shy as she used to be but she's much more reserved and mus more distrustful. She cries everyday without fail. She doesn't care about much except the well being of her friends and family, and she cares about her job.

Let me tell you something else. Some days I can't even get out of bed. Because I honestly can't even see a point anymore. Here is my reasoning: If nothing is going to get better, and at this point, after a year of total and incapacitating depression and angst, and a lifetime of depressed days and reoccurring angst, why am I even bothering? I mean why would anyone want to spend the rest of their life like this? I love my friends but I'm not sure that I love them more than I despise this feeling. So why should I get out of bed to go to work? So I can make money so I can continue to be a functioning member of society? WHY? I'm not getting better, there is no light at the goddamn end of the tunnel because there is no end of the tunnel. There is no color in grey land because colour doesn't exist. Life is blah and awful and it doesn't get better. So what is even the point?

YEAH
SO ANYWAYS

I have pshyc evaluation next week.
Go me. Maybe it will help me actually get better.

Until next time,
marmar

PS. Let's all (and by all, I mean the world) listen to JOURNEY ALL THE TIME PLEASE AND THANK YOU

a little bag of cocaine, a little bag of cocaine

MY TITS HURT LIKE A MO FO! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY AND AHHHHHHH THEY HURT SO BAD.

Like I can`t do anything because the second they brush against anything, and I mean brush, not jab or squish, they start to feel like they`re bleeding. It`s awful. Like for realz just brutal brutality.

Also I`m fucking hungry all the fucking time. Last month I was so fucking depressed I couldn`t fit more than a bite of food down my throat. BAILAKHDFIOHFI. THIS IS BULL.

So Ì`m just going to put it out there. Depression is retarded. You`re retarded depression.

My doctor gave me all these forms to fill out for tomorrow and I just remembered I had to do them so yeaaaaaaaah. DRUGS HERE I COME WAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOO!

High fives for antidepressants. Can`t say I`m stoked for xanax because`you get pretty zombie like but i`ll take zombie over whacked out insaneo.

Also, maybe I should stop the drugs. Or not. I believe New Years was my deadline. We`ll see.


I`m literally going insane.
FOR REALZ YO!

I woke up in a SoHo doorway, a policeman knew my name

ACK! is all I have to say.

My goddamn copy of Won't Get Fooled Again is fucked. How am I supposed to pretend I'm part of CSI:Miami without it. FOR REALZ WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!?!?!?!?

I love David Caruso. No one thinks this is a good idea or agrees with me. It's their loss. PLUS NO ONE SHOULD JUDGE. WHEN THEY CAN SAY ONE LINERS AND LOOK EQUALLY AS COOL AND ALSO HAVE ROGER DALTRY DO AN AWESOME AS BALLS SHRIEK SCREAM YEAOW AFTER THEIR COOL ONE LINER THEN THEY CAN JUDGE.

But thar ain't gonna happen is it. Because Roger Daltry doth scream for no man.

Suck and that you shaming fools. Roger Daltry does nothing for youses.


In all seriousness though. I love Caruso

everything's fine except you've got that look in your eye: you've got me standing in an awkward position

I dropped out of school today. Actually I withdrew from school today. It was suggested I do so by one of my teachers and I just knew I wasn't doing well in my other classes and I wasn't going to be able to catch up.

I wasted my parents money, BUT I WILL PAY THEM BACK! I can't not, it's too awful of me. I'm looking for a second job as we speak, Sbucks in the early mo and hopefully a serving job in the later evening.

I'm depressed and disappointed in myself as balls but I'm ignoring it as best possible. Imma just get wasted as much as possible with my budget this weekend and then when I get paid, blow it all on booze.

Being a failure is the worst feeling. I can hear and see and feel the disappointment from my parents, who have supported me through this entire thing. I AM A FUCK UP. WAH WAH WAH

I know that I should let go but I can't

I feel like crying for two reasons, both of them good, but only one of them happy.

1. This weekend something, friend wise that has been essentially the main reason for my angst the past little while got fixed. I don't want to go into large detail because it's super personal but things just got way better for me. And the funny thing is, is that in the past part of what is making me happy would have destroyed me for a good while. So yay for healing myself and my relationships.

2. I really miss my friends who are away. JD and Lolly I miss you guys like crazy. I have definitely cried over it, as I tend to do when I miss people. It's not even bad, I'm super happy for both them doing awesome things on their own, but I am a selfish person and want them both back. NOW PLEASE.


That is all for tonight. My father just came down and accused me of being a drug addict because I can't sleep, so imma push my body to sleep just to spite him. HAHA, not going to happen.

Insomnia is the worst. It pisses everyone off.

my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundations

Dear most boys whom I know,

Most of you are such uncaring-about-others assholes sometimes. You care about yourselves and your loneliness so much that you neglect to think our feelings and how we feel when you a) hit us inappropriately, and b) when two seconds later you're off doing the same thing to another girl, one of our friends. It's gross and degrading and it actually hurts us sometimes. Just because we don't go around throwing ourselves at you or touching you inappropriately doesn't mean we aren't lonely. it just means we won't settle for the first attractive thing that comes our way. We're in it for the long haul, something that we consider worth while, NOT some bullshit, this person is drunk so I guess i should. Leave us alone, or at least, be gentlemen. Ask us to dance instead of just grabbing us and practically molesting us. Don't touch us inappropriately. Don't ask us to sit on your laps or kiss you or touch your hair or the material that your pants is made of. If we aren't already doing it, we don't want to be. AND, if you ask us to do one of these things and there is a little bit of hesitation IT MEANS WE ARE SUPER RELUCTANT TO DO IT AND REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE!!! Please, for the sake of our sanity and our pride, BACK OFF. If we want you, we'll let it be known.

marmar

Anyways, with that said, Kate Nash, my new musical best friend. Her lyrics aren't great, but they aren't terrible either, and i just feel really happy, and also really into fall whenever i listen to her.

This is all I have to say this evening.
ciao

Jeremiah was a bullfrog/I'm a soul man

YAY Thanksgiving. Yum yum yum cranberry sauce, my favorite part of the holidays.

So I should really be getting down to homework right now, but I just can't focus this weekend, and so I'm going to use my blog as a tool of distraction and procrastination.

I've been having the best and worst time of my life. While I thoroughly enjoy school and learning and sometimes even studying *gasp* I also have gotten so behind I had the worst breakdown that I've had in quite a while. It was terrifying. The worst panic attack of my life for sure.

While I thoroughly love going out and meeting new people, especially cute boy from UVic two weeks ago, reconnecting with R's friend this weekend, talking to people I kind of knew and now fully know, hanging out with the super cool bartenders and doorguys,etc., I don't like showing up to the Astoria on metal night and then getting may to drunk and in yelling matches outside and then going home to puke in my toilet while my friends use the sink and shower for the exact same thing at the exact same time. Blah.

Urgh. I love my parents but dealing with them is hard.

Life is hard! Why don't they teach is these things in school? Oh right, they did, I just wasn't in class on those days.


Well, things to look forward to:
- emailing my phila prof and changing my essay topic to something I'm genuinely interested in.
- seeing cute boy next saturday
- SOUL CLUB!
- Convincing Johnny boy to come down to soul club
- LA NORRIS!

SUPA STOKED
SO SICK BRO SOOOOOO SICK

I'm a ginormous loser geek, but it's not so bad.

ciao bellas.

I wish you weren't here

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote anything of quality so hur I go...







I started school today, which is amazing. It's amazing I even found the feeling of wanting to go back to school because I never ever thought I would ever ever want to come back. Yet here I am, back at school, enjoying myself, which is great. I've only had one class so far but it was French and it was an hour long and it was basically a refresher of French 12. Easy Peasy.







I have an hour long Poli Sci lecture next. The area of PS I'm 'studying' is morality and justice, which is basically what I'm doing in Philosophy as well (my third course). Super excited, except that I don't really know how to take notes. I guess I'll just write down what I think is important.







My life this summer was crazy crazy crazy. I turned nineteen on August fifth and I belive I went clubbing something like 22 of 26 days once I turned nineteen. Madame Raquel has been a godsend to me.







Before my birthday I was so down and out and then I was of age and she just got me back on track. My month of August was two hundred percent more fabulous because of her.

This is us at The Biltmore from when Rony's Photo Booth was hur.

One of my absolute favorite photos of me ever. We both look so fabulous. This photo basically depicts how spending time with Raquel feels.

I am worried I won't have time for a social life with school and work though. It;s the one thing about school that's making me super duper anxious.

ladedadeda

This is what I have to say today:

AAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!

i felt the power of death over life, i orphaned his children, i widowed his wife

Some days my loneliness is palpable. Some days it hides easily behind a hug or a kiss on the cheek a friend will give me.

Today is a lonely day. Alone in my parents house. Up early. No one to talk to.

My week has been very angst ridden. Yesterday I had a massive angst attack. Not quite a panic attack, but I was feeling so faint from being so anxious I almost passed out. They had to send me off the floor at work. I spent the next ten minutes crying in the back room.

I keep saying (lying to myself) that the mess that is my financial situation is fine. Then my parents left. Then my paycheque was tiny. Then it is my birthday. Then I need to eat food I don't have nor can afford.

Every time I have come to every single one of those realizations, the angst creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly, and then just settles in my gut, slowly dissolving the neat reassuring lies I tell myself.

I can barely sleep (especially when I'm alone). Eating makes me feel sick and throw up once in a while (so there's one problem solved!) (not funny?). The people I want to be around me at all times can't (not their fault, it's mine for being so selfish).

I felt the power
of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I prolly shouldn't be listening to Johnny Cash in the state I'm in (especially to American IV), but it's so good. All the time. No matter what. Plus it reminds me of a time when I was less lonely. When my dad and I were super close and would sit in our living room in the summer nights listening to John Cale and Johnny Cash (complete opposites) and eat cheese (he would drink beer and I would drink water) and he would tell me the history of the music.


BUT WAIT!

We all need someone we can lean on

So where's my person going, If you want it you can lean on me?

Sad sad sad face.

There has also been quite a bit listening to The Rolling Stones.

WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WE CAN BLEED ON
WE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN BLEED ON ME.

that's where they found me, my head in my hands

It is waaaaay too hot out for words.

I have to peel myself off bus seats and then I leave a film of sweat on the weird upholstery.

I am not a lady.

Anyways, things have been ginormously good lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm just kind of letting go of things that have bugged me for a while, doing things that I want to do, hanging out with people I don't really hangout with that much, and reconnecting with old friends (dear Hannah, why don't we get drunk off coolers together more often?).

This picture, to the left right thur, this is me and my friend Kay. I met her bout a month ago through some kind of random instances called she threw a party I went to.

MESH AND BLEND (but not bland) IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT US!
We get along so very well! She is awesome and regal and poised! I would go on and on and on but it's so fucking hot I am having trouble wanting to type. One day, soon, I will continue.

Sadly, mon amigo Kay is hopping across the pond in four days :( A whole month minus Kay! What am I gonna do???!? This is something that throws a dull ache into my glittery happiness.


Also, loads of my friends are going away on my birthday, which obviously they didn't plan and it's really not that big o' deal, but it still sucks lots. POOP!

BUT I AM LEGAL IN NINE AND A HALF DAYS! NINE AND A HALF DAYS TIL I CAN BUY LIQUOR AND CIGARETTES AND GAMBLE!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOOO!

Also, I got some musical inspiration this afternoon and found some AMAZING music that hella blew my mind hole. BLEW IT STRAIGHT ACROSS THE WORLD TO AUSTRALIA!!! That's real far. REAL FAR.

Frak. All this heat is driving me to silliness in the most extreme way.

Imma stop.

Ciao.

you make me angry, so very angry, but I love you

BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH

blah blah blah

I slept for seven hours in the day today. I haven't eaten (yay tiny waist for tomorrow. Just kidding. I'm about to stuff myself full of junk), and this is the longest I have slept in thirty two hours.

DRUGS ARE AWESOME!!!

Sometimes people are way too selfish and that's awful. Obviously I am one of the most selfish people ever, but I know the golden rule (WHICH I DO FOLLOW). If you are gonna take you need to give too.

Kay let me take pictures in Sat night/ Sunday morning so when they get posted on facebook they will be poster up in heeeeeeree. Some of them are real loverly.

CHA BRAH! CHA!

I have nothing left to say cept for I need to go eat some disgusting shit and collage to pull myself out of this weird funk.

Ciao
Bella

it's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds fromthe chains and shakles that they're in

I had the most amazing night last night. Incredible.

It was folk fest this weekend and I neither volunteered nor bought tickets but I did hear of some people hanging out at Jericho beach afterward. Since it's close to my temporary home, and I love all of the people that were supposedly going to the beach I decided to take my chances and go hangout with them.

We were sitting near a massive drum circle and our friends who had instruments were jamming. Five minutes after I get there the opportunity comes up to do a little mdma. At first I was like, 'nah brah' just cause I wasn't sure if I could handle doing drugs that night, but as more and more people decided to do (specially the first timers such as Eli and Iain) I changed my mind.

It was incredible experience. It was a really good group of people to be with, and I only did one cap, so it was the perfect high.

We ended up walking around, our goal was Lolly and my backyard. It was so much fun, just being with incredible people. being a whole different and superconnected level with them. Plus, when I do mdma, everyone fabulosities seem to come together in my head and I can articulate what I like about them best.

I had a lovely long talk with Sully, Lily, Kay, Eli and Ruby, as well as phone conversation with Caleb, about why they are some of the greatest people ever.

At one point, Lily and I went into my room to look for clothes for her, and we ended up singing. Nellie joined us, and it was this incredibly tender moment. The only thing was my eyes kept skittering as we tried to read lyrics, and it was a tad freaky. But I got over it.

It was just a fabulous night all together and I'm really glad I made a silly decision cause I had a great night.

Ciao

this heart could not accept and pretend

BLAAAAAAAHHHH BLAH BLAH!

This is how I feel sometimes.

But LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LALALALA

Sometimes I feel like that.

Things have been relatively okay for me lately. Pretty good I suppose. I have been crying lots, but when is that any different from usual?

I have been hanging out lots with Lily, which is loverly. One night, lots of days ago, and lots I mean about seven, I went to visit her and we sat in the park and smoked and talked about... life. It was perfect. It was literally a perfect night and we did without the aid of mood enhancers (I don't count nicotine as a mood enhancing drug in this case cause the conversation was so good it wouldn't have mattered whether or not the smokes were around. They just enhanced something already great).

We are doing a photoshoot together to document my nineteenth year, before my nineteenth birthday, and I am real excited about it. It's going to be wandering around the city. Some pictures with best friends, some pictures without. Then we are going to the art gallery with Kay to see the Rembrandt and Vermeer. Then we are going to do some more picture taking. Basically, it's going to be a perfect day. PERFECT PREFECT PERFECT!

Also, Lily and I are doing a Hip Hop Research Project. We are going to hunt, read, listen to, dance to, search, research, whatever verbs there are that are possible and make sense in this sentence, hip hop knowledge. We are going to become hip hop music MASTERS!

Back to the Dutch exhibit at the art gallery. I love Dutch artwork. It's incredibly detailed and smooth and so fine. Dutch artwork has this incredibly distinctive style that encaptures the feel and culture of 1600s Holland. When my family and I were in Amsterdam last summer I wanted to go to the Rjikes Museum, which has a plethora of Rembrandt's and Vermeer's, but my mother wanted to go to the Van Gogh Museum. We ended up at the Van Gogh Museum, which was also amazing, but as we left, I couldn't help feeling this vague disappointment in not getting to see art that I've known and studies for years. I told this to Lily, and she was , YO! Come to the art gallery with me, and so we go.

I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO MY FRIDAY!!!
ART IS AMAZING!
FRIENDS ARE AMAZING!
BEING NINETEEN IS GONNA BE THE BEST!

Ciao

dim sum and then some...

Dear Veronica Mars,
You have saved my life many times and once again in these past few months. Specifically in these past few days. Without you I do not know what I would do with myself. Who would feed me sassy one liners and keep me giggling to myself for days? Who would remind me that in spite of depression and despair, I can always seek revenge and weird love? Who would help me fall asleep at night? The answer is nothing, Veronica Mars, nothing. So, to everyone who worked (sadly, it ended prematurely) on the show, thank you. As weird as this sounds, you have got me through a lot of ridiculous teen angst problem.
Sincerely, Maria Sommers

history of the early medieval world

So I started looking at courses for school next year, and I have decided that I am so excited to go back. There are so many interesting things you can take at school.

For example, there is a course that studies the philosophy of sport. An anthropology course that studies mythology and folklore and another that studies the anthropology of film. One about sociology through literature. Political sciences in general, don't get me started, they excite me way too much. Also, hella history courses.

The more and more I look at courses and think about how much I can learn and discover and how much fun I'm going to have, the more and more excited I get for school.

BAH! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

It's something to look forward to.

Ciao.

there is a place where the sidewalk ends, and before the street begins

HAHAHAHAHA! You know what's funny? My life. It's so funny because I am the dumbest bitch to ever walk across the face of this earth! Seriously! You might think you know the dumbest bitch but you don't. Not unless you know me.

I have tried, so hard, to think positively, since about very early fall, and hope that I will stop feeling so down all the time. BUT NOOOOOOO! LIFE YOU BITCH! You just think it's real fun to, whenever I'm feeling alright and like things are getting better, to just come along and take it away from me. HAHAHAHAHA! SO FUNNY!

I always trust in people and events and actions and that lovely trust that I respect so much always lands me at a bus stop on a Saturday night, crying and apologizing to Caleb (because how fair of me is it to drag him away from his much loved party lifestyle) about how I'm just a dumb bitch and want to go home and never do anything with my lie ever ever ever again.


HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Life, you are so funny.

all the warm refusals and blind assumptions

RADTASTIC!
The silliest word in the entire world. SO SILLY!
So hipster.
I used to hate it and I now I have a secret love affair with it. SHHHHHH! If you hear me use it, don't hate or be offended or what not. Just get used to it. I think it's cute.

Anyways, my life went to shit last weekend. I cried. Lots. The world had un-righted itself and there seemed nothing I could do to make it better. Eventually I picked myself back up and pulled it together, and now things are pretty good. Pretty gosh darn good.

But not great.

I don't really want to say a whole lot on this topic, cause it makes me angsty. Maybe it's just the pill, but I have this feeling that underneath my new found 'goodness' is a layer of depression waiting to break out.

I figured out why I get so devastated too.

Caleb and I were talking on Wednesday night. He said he hopes for the best and prepares for the worst, which is what the average person thinks, but doesn't actually do. Yet he actually does. I hope for the best, and it's the kind of hope where I just assume, and prepare for the best, cause I think I know, and when the best or something like it doesn't happen, I'm devastated. I believe the average person falls somewhere in between the both of us.

The reason I think like this is because I suppose I try to force out negativity. Not that I'm necessarily an optimist. Just that I want the best for myself and refusing mediocrity seems the best route in my mind. As I write this, I am aware that I sound like a selfish five year old, but quite honestly, what's wrong with wanting to be happy?

What if my pursuits in life can be traced back to the main stem of just wanting to be happy?

Apparently, according to books, TV, and some movies I've seen and read, wanting to be happy in life is the answer of a selfish child. What I don't understand is why? And I do, to some extent, but I find, in my pursuit to be happy, I also try, as hard as I can, to make the people around me happy, as that makes me happy.

Maybe I am just childish and selfish, but that's all I want out of life, is to be happy.

The end of rant.

The Goodbye Girl: this bird can barely fly

My TV life has a taken a turn for the awesome in many a way.

All about The OC. Man it's good. I always forget how much I love it, how endearingly cute the characters are, how well the music fits with whats going on, basically, I just love everything about it.

All about MadMen. SOOOOO GREAT! All about early 1960s ad execs and their lives. Their lives, wives and affairs. Super classy, super scandalous, super goooooooood. GLAMOUR GLAMOUR GLAMOUR! I have a love affair with the 60s.

All about Desperate Housewives. Just so good. Attractive ladies dealing with absurd situations that make me laugh. Glamour, seduction, mystery, humour. Everything I love in a good ol' TV show.


Lemme take a minute to talk about the people who have made a difference in my life since my last post.

1. Lily
We have had this nice, I'm not quite sure what word to use cause it aint no reconciliation, perhaps, reconnection. Not that we were disconnected. Just a little lost in the frazzle is all. Talking to her more regularly has put my life into a dreamy fuzz that I never want to leave. Its nice to know I have a friend out there who will actually let me know when she's been thinking about me.

2. Raquel
I Haven't seen her a whole lot in the past while, but she has just been fabulous, per usual. I saw her at Alex's coming home bbq avec LA, and she just makes me feel like I am this super cool and glamorous person. Which I am not. She is. In fact, she makes me feel the way I think of her, if that makes any sense.

3. Sami
Saw her for the first time in three weeks, two days ago. I felt like my life had color in it again. It was ridiculous how amazing it was to hang out with her. WIZARD OF OZ SHIT YO! BLACK AND WHITE TO VIBRANT COLOR! AHHH! AHHH! WOAH!

4. BB
No one can make me laugh like BB. No one talks about sex with me like her. No one let me be as silly as like. Nough said. I miss her like a crazy person misses their sanity. BLAST!

Blue blue blue. It's my fav color, yet it associates with my least favorite feeling, melancholy. I dislike being depressed, but I loath feeling melancholy. Mostly because when I'm depressed I have no qualms about feeling sorry for myself. When I'm melancholy I hate feeling sorry for myself and when others feel sorry for me. All I am capable of doing is watching TV with a bland look on my face. I CAN'T EVEN CRY!

Here are my last words of the day: The OC made me cry the other day. The episode where Anna leaves, its called The Goodbye Girl, and the last five minutes are ridiculously sad. When Seth is getting all worked up about Anna leaving, I relate so well. Whenever good friends leave me, all I want to do is make them stay. Also, the scene is just really well written and Samaire Armstrong is fabulous.

so, ciao.

I'll try hard, I'll try always

It's lovely to have music back in my life. I've been so preoccupied with other things I haven't had enough time to focus on music. Plus where I downloaded music before wasn't working but I fixed that problemo.

Now I just want to make hella mix CDs for everyone I know who loves music, or for music that reminds me of people. So if you know I know you love music, expect a Maria Mix CD coming your way (with some special cover art!).

And, just by the by, there is going to be massive amounts of Yo La Tengo, my current musical obsession.

Aaaaaand I'm out.
Ciao

The lonely stoner frees his mind at night

I am feeling marginally better after a fun filled Thursday of crying and angst and just general feeling down. Thank you Caeli, Caleb, and my father for making me feel much better (that isn't sarcasm. Youses were the best that day).

Last night, amigo Lo had a going party at Jericho beach, and it was pretty great, I must say. I had a pretty good time, which was made even better when I got to go see Shawn and Gloria and James.

Lo's was awesome due to:

• Hannah and Colleen, while being a little exclusively exclusive, were very loving towards me and it was nice to have them back in my life again.
• LILY!
• Bacardi Breezer in Strawberry Smoothie (and also, getting drunk)
• Being drunk with Claire and her becoming my "man"
• Ruby Bisset, bumming Ruby smokes and seeing how happy she gets
• LILY!
• Oliver, feeling Oliver's wet and cold bum
• Seeing Nauvme (who I haven't seen in forvever!)
• Wrendell, who always makes me happy
• LILY!
• Seeing Raquel on the bus home
• LILY!
  
• Did I mention Lily?

Anyways, when I got to Keaton's, I snuggled with Gloria and Shawn for a long while and that was very nice, especially since I was drunk. Mmmmmm drinking. SOOOOOO TASTY!

Today I get to see an old amigo GEORGIA! As well as many other old pals. Georgia is the most exciting today though because she just recently got back from spending six months in China and I haven't seen her in a year exactly. So sad :( She and I are going to my old dance school's season finale. We are also meeting up with my old pal Sofia, who is one of the coolest bitches ever. She and I get along supremely well on the silliest level of silly.

Nice little fun fact about Sofia, she is super gorgeous, a little childish, hella silly, and works at Carter-Honda, the motorcycle store on Granville Island. Super badass. Also, she is Finnish and speaks it fluently.

ANYWAYS, I am hella excited, a litte angsty, but hella excited, and imma look hella fine.

So, that's all folks!
Ciao

Tell me, Sister Morphine, how long have I been lying here?

Blah blah blah.

I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is/are the words blah blah blah.

Everything I do is blah. Everything I wear is blah. BLAH BLAH FREAKEN BLAH!

This is mostly due to the fact that people don't really call me or ask me to hang out anymore. If I call them they are pretty gung-ho and seem relatively excited, but the rare person actually calls me up or wants to make plans without some sort of prompting from me.

It sucks. I feel boring as hell.

And to top it all of, I had a weird bout of depression last night. I wasn't ready to just curl up in a baby ball and die, but I did end up on my couch bed watching Veronica Mars with no expression whatsoever. Veronica always makes me laugh. It was so weird.

I just felt so down on myself. Things are fine right now. Nothing too pressing, nothing too painful, but I just really hate myself. My hair, my skin, my body shape, my coloring, they way I move and walk, my choices, my humor, the way I laugh, the way I talk. All shit.

Blah blah blah. It's all blah blah blah.

It was a romance, it was a radio, it topped the radio

Tomorrow night I am going to get smashed with Richard after work. It's going to be awesome in epical proportions. We're going over to Boston where the bartenders are super super cute and the drinks are super super girly (and cheap) and the food comes in large portions. It's going to be fun a lun.

Real excited.

OOOH! I also get to hang out with Raquel tomorrow. That is exciting. I have clothes for her and discussing fashion with Raquel is always great.

mmm liquor. And I may have exciting plans to go to the opening of The Astoria but I'm not sure if I can swing ID. So we'll see.

mmmmmmcha.

All's well, ends well. Or sometimes just ends.

Blargh. I hate complicated feelings. They are silly. And stupid. SILLY SILLY GOOSE!

I am in a strangely good mood right now, which is silly, silly, silliness. I saw Sam today for the first time in a long long while, and it was really great. She is one of the friends I was bitching about in my last post, and I retract I all I said. She is just going through some tough shitola.

I also talked to mon amigo Livona, the other lady who was being annoying and not chatting to me, and we sorted a few things out. Which is actually prolly why I'm feeling so good right now. No complicated feelings. Only good happy ones!

YAYAYAYAYAY!

Ciao mes amigos.
J'adore beaucoup. It breaks my heart sometimes how much I love mes amis!

Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face

I've been listening a lot to the Amelie Soundtrack. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard, up there with Stravinsky's The Firebird and Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Every time I hear it I feel like crying. Happy tears, not sad one, but tears none the less.

Currently, I feel like my life is so incredibly bland and gray area. I'm not really sure how I feel about everything. Confused I suppose.

My biggest problem right now is the fact that a lot of my friends are being douchebags. For example, I have a couple of friends that used to get super pissed off about the fact that I wasn't making enough of an effort to hang out with them and be friends with them, so I shaped up, made an effort. Now, those same people are doing nothing to hang out with me. I'm not really sure what happened, but I'm putting in all this effort to hang out with them, calling, texting, offering up dates that I'm free, offering to take them out at my expense, but no. Apparently that's not good enough.

It's really fucking annoying because they were the ones who were yelling at me, telling me I'm this no good friend and that I was being a loser friend, and now it's all reversed. I don't really feel like confronting them with this business, cause it's not a huge deal, I have other friends who mean a lot to me too and are making the effort (reminder to self, talk about how great Gloria is!).

I dunno. Specifically, I have this one friend whom I got in a fight about this a week ago, and after I totally owned her (yeaaaaaah!) she let down her guard and we were back to best friends. The next day, she totally just abandoned me again. It was shit.

Another friend of mine has gotten angry at me multiple times for not making enough of an effort, we've nearly had a couple of falling outs over it, and now that she's made all these cooler friends, suddenly I'm not nearly important enough. It sucks multiple dicks.

I've just let things fade because I'm sick and tired of doing all this work for nothing. I hate calling people up only to have them give you a vague answer and no real plans. It's shit. Complete and utter shit.

The worst part is, these are my best friends doing this to me. The only ones who I excuse are the ones who are currently not living in the same city as me, and the funny thing is is all these people have called me up at least once in the past month (Brianne, Piper, Caleb, Shawn, all rock my socks off).

I wish I could say whatever, but I can't. These are the people that I love the most in the world (minus my parents, my sister, and my grandfather) and I feel like I have no one right now that has been super close to me in the past that is willing to hang out with me and listen to me. What's even worse is I'm currently on the brink of a flip out. My grandfather is super sick and possibly going to die. I am lost at my job. I am lonely. I am depressed. It is raining. It just blows that there is no one around to make spoons with me anymore.

Now, on the other hand, I've become close with some really cool people lately.

Gloria. She is the coolest of the cool. She's funny and nice and kind. She has this awesome, charming sense of humour that's a little obscure in the best way. She can rip on people and make it sounds hilarious (and I am referencing Kaz's party during a particular game of Egyptian Rat Fuck with Gabe and Isabel). She's incredibly beautiful, inside and out, and she has this strange but awesome way of making me feel much much better about myself. One time, after a party and a lot of walking, we ended up in 7-11 looking for snacks. It was one of the most epic adventures I've ever been on. Lately, because we are planning a super road trip, we have been hanging out a lot lately. AND IT'S BEEN SUPER GREATNESS AWESOMENESS COOL!

Mucho Bueno love to her for being a good and cool pal. AND FOR BEING HILARIOUSLY AWESOME!!!

Kazumi! Or Kazubi, or sometimes Wazubi, as I like to call him. He is my twin brother. It's kind of complicated and I don't really want to go into it, but he is almost always there for me, even though sometimes he goes off and does other things. He comforting, and we share the same feeling of angst and similar taste for movies, music and people (sort of. We haven't fully explored all of those topics, but from what we have talked about, we are similarly similar). Plus, when I'm upset, he always comforts me and makes me feel loads more better. I love him the way I would love an actually blood brother, and we treat each other as such. Lately, due to our twin problems, we have been hanging out much so. I LOVE KAZUBI!!!

SHAWN!!! SHAWN SHAWN SHAWNEY! My old roommate who is currently living in Winnipeg. He is amazing. He is every kind of funny, witty, clever, sly, hilarious, blunt, blatant, he can do everything and he can do it well. He is so smart, and so talented, he writes and animates an online cartoon called The Time Travelling Bears http://altffour.newgrounds.com/ and it's completely brillo. No one has ever made me laugh as hard as Shawn has. Earlier, I said that he called me, well he hasn't but he has made excellent effort to keep up with me while he has been away, and for that, I love him even more. He is also just one of the most charming people and he has this sort of weird superhuman power of picking up on unsaid things. It's super cool. JUST. LIKE. HIM. If that wasn't enough, he also can always make me feel better. So you know. Just generally cool all around.

And that is that.

I'm going to go and watch some Buffster now. I haven't seen any slaying in a while and Isabel and Colleen are on their way over to have a legendary Buffy fest right now so I must va.

Ciao.

one heart to break, my heart

I don't wanna be
Your favorite enemy
Not when i can be loving you, alright
Why can't it be?
No two people feel
The same way at the same time

I am seriously in love with The Submarines right now. They have such a sweet sound to them it makes me ache.

Last night I went downtown to see Confessions of a Shopaholic AGAIN with Richard, and it was equally amazing as it was the first time, and I had a great night. We went to Denny's afterwards and then I waited for the bus on Burrard and Robson at about 2am in the mo, and listened to The Submarines and Kings of Leon and just felt the most amazing emotions. I plan on doing it again. Downtown Vancouver at night, with all it's lights and slower pace, is incredibly beautiful and definitely deserves a good walking around to with music.

As a side note before I sign off this short post, Hugh Dancy is the most beautiful man and Confessions of a Shopaholic is a great movie.

Ciao

I'll be there when they fall to pieces

I love man smell. I was just thinking today, my favorite smells in the world are mostly associated with men.

Leather, leather jackets, worn in leather jackets.

Tobacco, pipe tobacco my grandfather used to smoke, tobacco many of my male friends smoke, tobacco seeped into to leather jackets that I hug and then smell.

Sweat, not BO, but bona fida sweat, sweat mingling when you pas de deux with a boy.

Old Spice, hugging Ben and smelling his old spice.

Cologne. Sooooooo good.

These are some of my favorite smells in the entire world, and sometimes I'll get a cinqtuple whammy and get all of them at once.

I had this best friend/ex-boyfriend-ish thingermajig who wore a leather jacket, smoked cigarettes, danced with me, wore old spice and expensive cologne, and I used to hug him all the time just so I could smell him. His jacket was the most amazing thing in the world and I used to play cold a lot so I could wear it and smell it.

Mmmmm boy smells...

quix⋅ot⋅ic [kwik-sot-ik]

1.	(sometimes initial capital letter) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.

2.	extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.

3.	impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.

So I have made two very definite and important desicions about my life in the past two days and they are these:

1. I am moving back into my parents house for a while. I am also looking forward to this, not really sure why, but I am.

2. I am going back to school part-time next year. I want to take creative writing, French, and possibly a history class or philosophy. I am also really looking forward to these.

Having those two things decided has made me both relaxed and anxious.

Right now I am watching Pride and Prejudice, the new movie version with Kiera Knightley in it. This is my question, why can't people talk now like hey used to. It's so beautiful, and poetic, and meaningful, being not oly classy and charming but sexy.

These are quotes from all the Jane Austen books I've ever read:

Pride and Prejudice

"Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast."

Emma

"My dear Mrs. Weston, don not take to matchmaking. You do it very ill!"

Sense and Sensibility

"My heart is, and always will be, yours."

Mansfield Park

"Oh! Do not attack me with your watch. A Watch is always too fast or too slow. I cannot
be dictated to by a watch."


Language and words are so amazing. The way they can be constructed so elegantly and graceful and create vivid emotions, anger, sadness, euphoria, is incredble.

In my opinion, Old English is the most beautiful genre of the English language. Any books, plays, movies, manuscripts, spoken word or poetry I hear from another era or time period, I instantly love. There is such freedom and seemliness and attraction in the words and language, whether it's brash and harsh, or mopey and sad, or raw and brutally violent, that makes me want to build a time machine and teleport back to a time where moldy hygene and disease was common just so I could be able to experience the culture of a language so beautiful.

I think if I lived during Shakespeare's time, I would be a massive romantic, a wealthy and popular poet (if they had female poets back then), overly dramtic, wearing lace and puffs, but practical, courting and teasing men and lyikng around in bed all day drinking wine and eating pheasant , writing these unbearbly and achingly quixotic ( my new favorite word by the way, due to the fact that Don Quioxte is one of my favorite books and ballets) poems that would have men following me around like lovesick puppies in the street.

I am the biggest romantic. Seriously.

Anyways, now that I have ranted and raved and rolled, I shall retire.

Home, home again, I like to be there when I can

SOOOOOOO
I finally got to go shopping. It was amazing because retail therapy is the best kind of therapy and I felt great all weekend.

I hung out with Raquel a lot this weekend and it was AMAZING!!! She is amazing and I just wanted to hug her all the time! I don't really have words to describe how great she is other than that she is possibly one of the most incredible people I have ever met. I envy her because of her style and grace and beauty and intelligence and taste. SO MUCH AMAZINGNESS IN ONE PERSON!

Other than that I don't really have much to say. My life is going, not great, just going and I feel blasé on many many days. I'm excited to move back home cause it'll be a nice change for me. Plus I think I'll get along better with my rents and sister then.

Anyways, that's that for now but when something exciting happens I shall s'plain.

Instant battle plans written on the sidewalk

It's really no fun when you tell someone something that they do that makes you completely unimpressed and so they stop it for a while, BUT THEN, when presented with the chance a little while later, instead of doing the new cool thing they've been doing for a little while now, they resort back to old habits and ruin it for you all over again.

I am unimpressed right now, and quite honestly, a little disappointed. To be fair, it's the smallest of small things. Tiny tiny tiny, but I am pretty disappoint, which is big for me, because I rarely get disappointed in people.

ARGH. I hate being such a girl and I know when I'm confronted with this situation and apologized to, which is probably inevitable, I'm going to say it's okay, because I'm a sucker for a good apology.

Estrogen should go suck it.

You couldn't take it on the tightrope, no you had to take it on the side

I think that I am in a silly silly silly mood and that is silly and silliness.

I have basically spent the past three our four days completley stoned. Sort of. Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday after work, Monday evening, Tues very early in the morning hours.

Watching Veronica Mars on my couches I have pushed into a bed with my many warm blankets and eating Kraft Dinner, bananas, apples, salad with delicious ceasar dressing, milk, water, and advil in my dad's old cozy teal sweater is sooooo fantastic.

And I just found another, of hundreds, excellently written Veronica Mars quote:
Veronica: I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI.
Ronald: You're a girl.
Veronica: Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency?
Ronald: So?
Veronica: Well put, Ronald. We need firemen, too.

Why is Veronica the coolest, wittiest girl ever?

ANYWAYS I tend to ramble about Veronica Mars. Maybe if it wasn't THE SWEETEST SHOW EVER I would have much less to ramble about.

Urmm... so I feel like I should write an omage because I haven't done one in a while and there are many fantastical people I know that deserve omages but I am so lazy, so until next time...

Ciao

Gray skies and light fading, headlamps making patterns on the wall

" I mean, when you really think about it, music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common. Plus there's the fact that music is a total constant. That's why we have such a visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No mater what else has changed in you or in the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment, which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it."

I found this quote in a Sarah Dessen book, one I was so bashfully reading, and thought it was just really amazing. The part about music taking you back to a moment, place, or person is exactly how I feel about music and why I love it so much.

That's all for tonight folks, I'm too tired to write anymore.

Ciao

PS. I am watching Veronica Mars Season 3 and it's just too sweet. Veronica is the awesomist.

far out past the fences, no more kind words

Today was an excellent day, excellent excellent excellent.

It started being good when I got to sleep in cause I had no work today. Then I went to school and saw many people I hadn't seen in a along time. Plus I got to meet Lily's best friend Evan. I was a little anti-climactic as we didn't really chat about our common interest, Lily, but it mean a lot to Lily and so because she was happy we were meeting, I was happy we were meeting.

I also ran into my sister, whom I adore. She is fabulous and beautiful and fashionble and kind and smart and funny and awesome all rolled into one package. She is popular because she is nice to everybody, but stays away from trying to be cool and trying to get into drinking and boys and being popular too young because she is smart like that. She gets hella great grades and is doing a school sponsored trip next year because she is "sick of all the drama and needs a change for a little while." which shows how goddamn mature and awesome she is.

I got high with Sami, Bex, and the Kenney boys tonight and it was P.Fucking.Sweet. I really enjoy being high with all of them, it's anice chemistry to be with and I love that Kai understands exactly how much more I love Pink Floyd when I'm high and how great Wish You Were Here is while high. The meaning behind Pink FLyod just seems to come toegther when your baked. It's not even the lyrics. It's the sound and the atmosphere and the feeling that just..make sense. IT'S GREAT.

So yes. In general, doing okay, anti-depressants seem to be working for me. I mean, I have still had a morning or two where I haven't wanted to get out of bed, but it happens and I feel beter about a lotof stuff.

Much love

PS. Friday marks a three year anniversary of the most dismal day of the year for me. For anyone who cares, I shall be the most depressed I ever get, EVER, will not really be eating at all, and may just zone out randomly. A hug and reminder that love is around would be greatly appreciated.

Our angst is entertaining

I feel like I hit a sort of bottom tonight. It might have to do with the fact that I took recreationally took pain killers last night, but I doubt it. I've been waiting for this for a while.

There is only so much that can go wrong in your life and when it all goes wrong there isn't much you can do except watch in horror and then cry.

Image your mother, father, parent, guardian, sibling, someone who is always there to take care of you, suddenly is the one who needs taking care of and comforting. Watching my comfort person fall to pieces and knowing that there was nothing I could do to make anything better for her was one of the most difficult things I'd ever had to watch. How are you supposed to live with yourself when you can't provide for the person who provides for you the most?

So there was that.

A very bad TV show once taught me that, "That's the toughest part, letting go."
What's just as tough as letting go is when you realize that you have let go.
I realized tonight, that I am utterly and completley over my ex-boyfriend. I have been over him for a while, but actually letting go of him in that relationship respect has been really difficult. I still love him, just in a completley different, close friend way. And that's awful for me because I hate having to let go of people. To not have to care about them in the same way or worry about them as much or get to have a say in their life. Sure I might still get some of that say but my opinions aren't going to carry as much flak as they used to. What we had we will never have again and all those great moments will slowly fade away and the hard part about that is I just don't mind any more.

Here is the deal with Caleb, mon ex, he can be a neglectful piece of shit, but when it matters the most he always pulls through. He was walking me somewhere tonight, so i could catch a cab and I just broke down. There was previous business to attend to and it just made me feel raw and depressed. Fortunatley for me I had Caleb (unfortunatley for him, he had to deal with me). There is something about Caleb and the fact that we dated, something that makes me feel so open in front of him. He sees my vulnerability and instead of exploiting it or making me feel badly, he takes it at face value and because he knows I get too stuck in my head, he helps me sort things out.

The hardest thing about letting Caleb go is that I was so worried that he wouldn't be there for me anymore. I need to be able to be that vulnerable in front of somebody. So tonight, I was able to let go of that worry and that little tiny bitty piece of angst that I was holding on to for whatever reason, and just breathe. Yeah it was uber difficult, but it was worth it because now, in the depths of my angst and depression and hurt, there is something less that I have to worry about and something more that I have to look forward to.

Things are brutal for me right now. Barely bearable brutal, but I feel like the fact that I can find something to smile at before I fall asleep, something that isn't me wallowing in the past but looking forward to what's coming, mean something. I'm not sure what yet, but it means something to me and that is what is pulling me through this super fun pain.

So sassy, so classy, so persnicketty

Sometimes, when you see Kraft Dinner and it's not orange it's a little concerning. I get kind of worried.

Just as a side note, you know, so my opinion on Kraft Dinner that is not orange is known.

On the blue scale, my day today has been pretty great, I got through it, I'm tired, but I made it through without crying about something stupidly stupid. On a general scale it was not a good day.

So I'm watching more very bad TV, this weeks favorite is an dold favorite, One Tree Hill. The sassiest thing just happened and it was soooooo awesome. Peyton and Lindsay hate each other due to Lucas and Lucas letting out his mother's warehouse to Peyton so she can get her record label up and running but he won;t let her pay rent. Then Lindsay and Peyton get in this massivo fight over Lucas (Lindsay is dating him but he is so clearly in love with Peyton). Peyton decides she has to pay Lucas rent but he won't accept it from her due to them being "friends". They get in all these arguments about it so she decides to get sassy.

They're at this bar and she gets the bar tender to deliver her rent cheque in a cocktail shaker into his glass. Then she glares at him from across the club. So classy and so sassy.

Sassy girls are so great, so here is a list of them and some of my favorite one liners of theirs:

My #3 Anna from The OC:
"Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?"

"Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?"

"You know what your problem is? You're not a man."

My #2 sassy girls is Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
"Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair."

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

"I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?"

[making fun of Giles] "Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone."

"Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back."

" I-I don't know. But it was cool. I think I know why Joan's the boss! I'm like a... superhero or something!"

ANd My #1 ULITMATE sassy awesome kick ass girl is, of course, Veronica Mars:

"Enough already with this mellow Incense and Peppermints vibe. Let's break out the mushrooms and dance naked, strap on the goatskull headgear, sacrifice a few infants. Come on people, you're cultists. Start acting like it"

"Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you're near?"

"You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty."

"Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me"

"Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?"

"Dad... your hooker's here."

"The '70s had the Hustle. The '80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux-lesbian dance. "

"When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

"It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?"

"Actually, that’s just why I’m in jail: To avoid Valentines Day."

Also, Just as a side note, one of the funniest Veronica Mars quotes EVER:

Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around.
Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean "standing while black"?

My favorite Mac and Veronica moment:

Mac:Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.
Veronica: So how do we do it?
Mac:You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.
Veronica:You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

AAAAAANNNNDD just to add, my favorite Keith and Veronica moment:

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.
Keith:Are you doing drugs?
Veronica: No.
Keith: Good.

Anyways. I wish I were a sassy, classy, persnicketty girl.

I'll stand kind of pushed, kind of bent, on this heavy land

So every year around January through till mid March, depression kicks in in Maria Land.

I do know why it starts in January, personal stuff to do with when I was younger, but it still astounds me that year after year I manage to, even though I'm expecting it and semi-prepared for it, to be caught off gaurd and rendered completley helpless.

I hate using the word depression because it seems so teenaged and angsty. To be fair I am teenaged and angsty, but it's just, I wish I had something that sounded less like I'm writing a teen angst poem.

I guess I get so depressed (aurgh, that word again) because I'm always hella lonely from January to mid-March. It's not that I don't have friends and family around, it's just that they are all so preoccupied with their other business and I always have nothing to do. I'm always alone in my house, or [was] alone at school, or [was] alone at dance, or alone at work.

My insomnia starts to kick in, and when I finally do get to sleep, I have real vivid, real awful dreams.

Lately I've been having people sleepover, usually my bestest pals, and it really helps just to have a body sleeping next to me. Even if I can barely sleep it calms me down and makes me feel safe. I'm really afraid of the dark, it scares me so bad, and when I have someone next to me my loneliness and my fear just seems to fade. When I'm alone in the dark all I can do is freak out.


I usually spend my nights on the (very uncomfortable) couch watching TV passing out when either Shawn gets home or the sun starts to rise.

I can't wait for March.

I apologize for the teen ansgt poetry sound of this post.