Our angst is entertaining

I feel like I hit a sort of bottom tonight. It might have to do with the fact that I took recreationally took pain killers last night, but I doubt it. I've been waiting for this for a while.

There is only so much that can go wrong in your life and when it all goes wrong there isn't much you can do except watch in horror and then cry.

Image your mother, father, parent, guardian, sibling, someone who is always there to take care of you, suddenly is the one who needs taking care of and comforting. Watching my comfort person fall to pieces and knowing that there was nothing I could do to make anything better for her was one of the most difficult things I'd ever had to watch. How are you supposed to live with yourself when you can't provide for the person who provides for you the most?

So there was that.

A very bad TV show once taught me that, "That's the toughest part, letting go."
What's just as tough as letting go is when you realize that you have let go.
I realized tonight, that I am utterly and completley over my ex-boyfriend. I have been over him for a while, but actually letting go of him in that relationship respect has been really difficult. I still love him, just in a completley different, close friend way. And that's awful for me because I hate having to let go of people. To not have to care about them in the same way or worry about them as much or get to have a say in their life. Sure I might still get some of that say but my opinions aren't going to carry as much flak as they used to. What we had we will never have again and all those great moments will slowly fade away and the hard part about that is I just don't mind any more.

Here is the deal with Caleb, mon ex, he can be a neglectful piece of shit, but when it matters the most he always pulls through. He was walking me somewhere tonight, so i could catch a cab and I just broke down. There was previous business to attend to and it just made me feel raw and depressed. Fortunatley for me I had Caleb (unfortunatley for him, he had to deal with me). There is something about Caleb and the fact that we dated, something that makes me feel so open in front of him. He sees my vulnerability and instead of exploiting it or making me feel badly, he takes it at face value and because he knows I get too stuck in my head, he helps me sort things out.

The hardest thing about letting Caleb go is that I was so worried that he wouldn't be there for me anymore. I need to be able to be that vulnerable in front of somebody. So tonight, I was able to let go of that worry and that little tiny bitty piece of angst that I was holding on to for whatever reason, and just breathe. Yeah it was uber difficult, but it was worth it because now, in the depths of my angst and depression and hurt, there is something less that I have to worry about and something more that I have to look forward to.

Things are brutal for me right now. Barely bearable brutal, but I feel like the fact that I can find something to smile at before I fall asleep, something that isn't me wallowing in the past but looking forward to what's coming, mean something. I'm not sure what yet, but it means something to me and that is what is pulling me through this super fun pain.