... or Paris or Barcelona or Berlin or Rome or Tokyo or Amsterdam or Sydney or Auckland or Montreal. I would like to be in any big city in the world other than here. LA! New Delhi! Havana! Give me Ibiza or Honolulu or Miami.
It's so dank and raining and everyone I know lives here. I need some sunshine and some culture and some feeling in my life that doesn't come from the depths of this city I live in.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
only you can make me feel complete in perfect symmetry
If there were a cartoon of the life of my friends circle, I would be the girl with the dark cloud always over her head, rain pouring down on only her, her eyebrows furrowed.
Like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Except I'm not dirty. I'm a black cloud of pessimism and despair.
Everyone would always be like "rainy girl, look on the bright side [fill in the blank with whatever happy, optimistic thought]". The next panel would be me with the rain raining harder and lighting starting, my eyebrows furrowed even further.
DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND???!?
Like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Except I'm not dirty. I'm a black cloud of pessimism and despair.
Everyone would always be like "rainy girl, look on the bright side [fill in the blank with whatever happy, optimistic thought]". The next panel would be me with the rain raining harder and lighting starting, my eyebrows furrowed even further.
DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND???!?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
and I cry
Classical music has become my one and only true love. I could lie in my bed, stoned, and listen to it for hours, nodding off into classical music themed dreams.
When I hear the beginning of a classical instrument in a song I get shivers down my spin (LISTEN TO The Suburbs(continued) By The Arcade Fire. Shivers.
When I hear the opening notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata I feel weak in the knees. Bach's Pachelbel's Canon (as cheesy as it is) makes me feel like crying and laughing all at once. Chopin's Butterfly Etude reminds of a better time (when I was a child and I had a ballet exam dance set to it).
I chalk all this up to the fact that I was raised for most of my music developing life by a classical background. Ballet everyday for nine years equates to piano everyday for nine years. Ballet symphonies for nine years. Opera's for nine years. Plus when I was a kind I had these classical music tapes I listened to fall asleep.
Currently I have Pachelbel's Canon going. I honestly believe it's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard in my life.
So, as far as my life goes, it's going.
I'm a tad worried because I'm getting all these weird symptoms of the not fun thing I had last winter. I'm not too concerned though, it would be a nearly impossible feat. But that brings me to question my body and what's going on there.
I don't upkeep my health or take care of my body very well. But I'm starting to get the feeling that there is something else wrong. Anemia perhaps. I have all the symptoms.
It's just starting to get aggravating because I'm not able to function properly at work and they're getting aggravated with me. And that never bodes well.
Never.
Also, another really good song I'm really into right now, Frozen Notes by Warren Zevon
When I hear the beginning of a classical instrument in a song I get shivers down my spin (LISTEN TO The Suburbs(continued) By The Arcade Fire. Shivers.
When I hear the opening notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata I feel weak in the knees. Bach's Pachelbel's Canon (as cheesy as it is) makes me feel like crying and laughing all at once. Chopin's Butterfly Etude reminds of a better time (when I was a child and I had a ballet exam dance set to it).
I chalk all this up to the fact that I was raised for most of my music developing life by a classical background. Ballet everyday for nine years equates to piano everyday for nine years. Ballet symphonies for nine years. Opera's for nine years. Plus when I was a kind I had these classical music tapes I listened to fall asleep.
Currently I have Pachelbel's Canon going. I honestly believe it's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard in my life.
So, as far as my life goes, it's going.
I'm a tad worried because I'm getting all these weird symptoms of the not fun thing I had last winter. I'm not too concerned though, it would be a nearly impossible feat. But that brings me to question my body and what's going on there.
I don't upkeep my health or take care of my body very well. But I'm starting to get the feeling that there is something else wrong. Anemia perhaps. I have all the symptoms.
It's just starting to get aggravating because I'm not able to function properly at work and they're getting aggravated with me. And that never bodes well.
Never.
Also, another really good song I'm really into right now, Frozen Notes by Warren Zevon
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
scar tissue i wish you saw
wow, it's been a while. Really a while.
I'm not suite sure what to say. Things have been... messy. Confusing. Lonely.
Been listening to The Chili's a lot lately. Especially Scar Tissue. I remember listening to it back in the 10th grade for the first time, and taking it literally because I was dancing and apparently incredibly stupid.
Sometimes I wish that the weird habits and fears and 'scar tissue' left over from the past would be light up like a giant neon sign with the person and reason responsible for the twitches and ticks we have left over. Not that it's any one's fault for my ticks and tweaks, no one but myself, but I wish instead of having to explain myself all the time there would be a huge glowing light over top of my head explaining my problems.
Things would be so much easier.
I'm not suite sure what to say. Things have been... messy. Confusing. Lonely.
Been listening to The Chili's a lot lately. Especially Scar Tissue. I remember listening to it back in the 10th grade for the first time, and taking it literally because I was dancing and apparently incredibly stupid.
Sometimes I wish that the weird habits and fears and 'scar tissue' left over from the past would be light up like a giant neon sign with the person and reason responsible for the twitches and ticks we have left over. Not that it's any one's fault for my ticks and tweaks, no one but myself, but I wish instead of having to explain myself all the time there would be a huge glowing light over top of my head explaining my problems.
Things would be so much easier.
Monday, June 14, 2010
and the winner is...
So I got some bad mental health news. Nothing I didn't already know but being officially diagnosed has gotten me really down. It's funny how it's almost a catch 22 of depression.
That's all for now folks. I've been to preoccupied with feeling sorry for myself to write. Maria = pathetic mess.
That's all for now folks. I've been to preoccupied with feeling sorry for myself to write. Maria = pathetic mess.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
dream a little dream of me
This is my current perfect day dream and I will make it happen someday.
I want to go to Paris in the springtime. Nannying/ Au Paring in a little beret for a wealthy family. On one of my days I will find a park that overlooks a large chunk of Paris. There, with my lunch of a baguette and a block of cheese (blue cheese!) I will read a book that I love. I will cry and laugh all at once. Complete joy and tristese at the same time. The most beautiful feeling in the entire world.
I know it's a little cheesy but it's something I aspire to do.
I want to go to Paris in the springtime. Nannying/ Au Paring in a little beret for a wealthy family. On one of my days I will find a park that overlooks a large chunk of Paris. There, with my lunch of a baguette and a block of cheese (blue cheese!) I will read a book that I love. I will cry and laugh all at once. Complete joy and tristese at the same time. The most beautiful feeling in the entire world.
I know it's a little cheesy but it's something I aspire to do.
Monday, May 17, 2010
walking around waiting downtown
Things are hard. I am lonely. Get over it Maria.
On the upside. Things are starting to fall into place. My travelling. The money for my travelling. What I actually want to do with my life. My health (not really but I'n finally getting put through for appointments). My therapy. My friends (sort of. I'm working on it).
I'm really going to push for travelling in the next few months. with my GINORMOUS tax return coming back to me soon and hopefully I can get my 2007 done cause I'll be getting some moneys back, and if I save as much as possible in the next four months I can be out of here by September, October, or November, for as short as 3 months to asl long as two years. My ideal is 6 to 8 months.
So we'll see. But as far as work goes abroad I've found somethiing plausible that someone I know has done. So fingers crossed.
I need a break from this town and the people I know. I love it here and I love everyone but I need some time alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life where I can be alone and sort of deal with my problems by myself. I'm not one hundred percent there yet but I'm learning the value of lots of time alone and a good book.
So when I'm leaving I'll be ready to spend time alone and be happy about it. And make new friends! So we'll seeeeeeeee!
On the upside. Things are starting to fall into place. My travelling. The money for my travelling. What I actually want to do with my life. My health (not really but I'n finally getting put through for appointments). My therapy. My friends (sort of. I'm working on it).
I'm really going to push for travelling in the next few months. with my GINORMOUS tax return coming back to me soon and hopefully I can get my 2007 done cause I'll be getting some moneys back, and if I save as much as possible in the next four months I can be out of here by September, October, or November, for as short as 3 months to asl long as two years. My ideal is 6 to 8 months.
So we'll see. But as far as work goes abroad I've found somethiing plausible that someone I know has done. So fingers crossed.
I need a break from this town and the people I know. I love it here and I love everyone but I need some time alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life where I can be alone and sort of deal with my problems by myself. I'm not one hundred percent there yet but I'm learning the value of lots of time alone and a good book.
So when I'm leaving I'll be ready to spend time alone and be happy about it. And make new friends! So we'll seeeeeeeee!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
a friend you used to call
I have had the most infuriating day. I'm so frustrated by the lack of maturity and acceptance of someone I used to consider a best friend but completeley turned their back on me. I'm hurt and upset and basically have decided that none of my friendships that I work hard to keep going will last long term because I have a lot of personal issues that apparently and I'm apparently not worth working out fights with because I'm somewhat of a lost cause that can't control myself or my impulses. ALSO APPARENTLY I'M A DRUG ADDICT! I GUESS THAT HAPPENED WITHOUT MY KNOWING! AWESOME!
It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>
I'M A WHINING PRICK
It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>
I'M A WHINING PRICK
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
i hate the hurt
Today I started yelling for no reason, which was stupid and uncalled for and ridonc, and ended up getting rather upset about something normal people would not freak out about but my irrational upsets made me realize that I actually have something I am upset about and through irrationality came proper rationality and thus the root of my anger and upsetness.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
my eyes cast low
ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
in my arms, don't take anything away
balkkasejtjbndsf.
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
the other side of mortality is scaring me to death
Oh hey! Hey hey hey!
Here is a fabulous picture from the Biltmore of a fabulous Saturday night!
I <3 this photo so much! It pretty much describes how fun and silly my night was and how much fun I especially had with these two ladies. PS. from lindsaysdiet. Sooooo good. And let me tell you how not stoked I was to be leaving my house and doing something. I was not looking forward to it. But I met up with Lily and got there and a ton of fab people showed up and I got wasted and had a great night! I LOVE THE BILTMORE!
Here is a fabulous picture from the Biltmore of a fabulous Saturday night!
I <3 this photo so much! It pretty much describes how fun and silly my night was and how much fun I especially had with these two ladies. PS. from lindsaysdiet. Sooooo good. And let me tell you how not stoked I was to be leaving my house and doing something. I was not looking forward to it. But I met up with Lily and got there and a ton of fab people showed up and I got wasted and had a great night! I LOVE THE BILTMORE!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
hilariosity
Hannah and I sometimes talk about silly things called the appendages that belong to men. We are funny. Here are some of the convos:
Tonight, Hannah and I are funny businesssssssss
01:22Maria
urrrggghthat is balls
i'm really into saying balls today for some reason
Hannahi like saying balls
01:23Maria
it's funny beans
01:23Hannah
but i really hate balls
01:23Maria
me too!they smell. sometimes. gross
01:24Hannah
smelly balls
01:24Maria
so gross
01:24Hannah
the worst
01:24Maria
and they're funny looking too
01:24Hannah
i hate them
If i had to pick one reason for being gay it would be balls.
hahah
Just over a year ago, msn conversation, I am A Bad Name (I left my msn on and Shawn and Caleb are jerks).
A Bad Name says: penises are so stupid
Hannah.... says:agreed
Hannah.... says:and really weird looking
A Bad Name says:but sooooooo cute
Hannah.... says:penises?
Hannah.... says:noo eww
Hannah.... says:i hate them
A Bad Name says:soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:your gross
A Bad Name says:no soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:bleeehh
A Bad Name says:they're little floppy appendages
Hannah.... says:exactly.. ewww
A Bad Name says:soooo cute
A Bad Name says:like floppy dog ears
A Bad Name says:or floppy memebon ears
Hannah.... says:liek floopy skinny, sometimes harry gross blobs of gross-ness
A Bad Name says:noooooooo
A Bad Name says:no like cute and compact and cozy
A Bad Name says:and furry
Hannah.... says:enough
Hannah.... says:i win
A Bad Name says:no
A Bad Name says:me
Hannah.... says:noooo
Hannah.... says:*pouts
Hannah.... says:haha
A Bad Name says:nooooooooo
A Bad Name says:fine you win
ummmm, foreshadowing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd one more for good silly measure
Hannah.... says:did you touch one latley?
Hannah.... says:go wash them
A Bad Name says:i did]
A Bad Name says:and i have
Hannah.... says:do it again?
A Bad Name says:huh?
Hannah.... says:wash them
Hannah.... says:hahah not touch it
A Bad Name says:yeah okay
A Bad Name says:I shall
A Bad Name says:not touch it
A Bad Name says:wash them
whooooooooooa man, we are sooooooooooo funny beans.
Tonight, Hannah and I are funny businesssssssss
01:22Maria
urrrggghthat is balls
i'm really into saying balls today for some reason
Hannahi like saying balls
01:23Maria
it's funny beans
01:23Hannah
but i really hate balls
01:23Maria
me too!they smell. sometimes. gross
01:24Hannah
smelly balls
01:24Maria
so gross
01:24Hannah
the worst
01:24Maria
and they're funny looking too
01:24Hannah
i hate them
If i had to pick one reason for being gay it would be balls.
hahah
Just over a year ago, msn conversation, I am A Bad Name (I left my msn on and Shawn and Caleb are jerks).
A Bad Name says: penises are so stupid
Hannah.... says:agreed
Hannah.... says:and really weird looking
A Bad Name says:but sooooooo cute
Hannah.... says:penises?
Hannah.... says:noo eww
Hannah.... says:i hate them
A Bad Name says:soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:your gross
A Bad Name says:no soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:bleeehh
A Bad Name says:they're little floppy appendages
Hannah.... says:exactly.. ewww
A Bad Name says:soooo cute
A Bad Name says:like floppy dog ears
A Bad Name says:or floppy memebon ears
Hannah.... says:liek floopy skinny, sometimes harry gross blobs of gross-ness
A Bad Name says:noooooooo
A Bad Name says:no like cute and compact and cozy
A Bad Name says:and furry
Hannah.... says:enough
Hannah.... says:i win
A Bad Name says:no
A Bad Name says:me
Hannah.... says:noooo
Hannah.... says:*pouts
Hannah.... says:haha
A Bad Name says:nooooooooo
A Bad Name says:fine you win
ummmm, foreshadowing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd one more for good silly measure
Hannah.... says:did you touch one latley?
Hannah.... says:go wash them
A Bad Name says:i did]
A Bad Name says:and i have
Hannah.... says:do it again?
A Bad Name says:huh?
Hannah.... says:wash them
Hannah.... says:hahah not touch it
A Bad Name says:yeah okay
A Bad Name says:I shall
A Bad Name says:not touch it
A Bad Name says:wash them
whooooooooooa man, we are sooooooooooo funny beans.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
he seems less insane than the others
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Back in the hospital on Tuesday night. It was really fun. SO MUCH FUN I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I'm pretty much confined to my house now for the rest of my life and that's super fun. SUPER FUN!
AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to get cabin fever and kill myself because I nearly did that last time.
and I'm in incredible uterus pain because they had to re-suck that last of the bacteria out of my uterus and I'm only allowed to take one pain killer every eight hours. AND my chest cold is terrible. I'm coughing up extreme amounts of gross coloured and textured flem and sometimes i feel like my throat is bleeding.
It's terribly depressing.
Back in the hospital on Tuesday night. It was really fun. SO MUCH FUN I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I'm pretty much confined to my house now for the rest of my life and that's super fun. SUPER FUN!
AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to get cabin fever and kill myself because I nearly did that last time.
and I'm in incredible uterus pain because they had to re-suck that last of the bacteria out of my uterus and I'm only allowed to take one pain killer every eight hours. AND my chest cold is terrible. I'm coughing up extreme amounts of gross coloured and textured flem and sometimes i feel like my throat is bleeding.
It's terribly depressing.
Monday, March 8, 2010
rattle and shake
I would just like to note that the last post was me on birth control. I get very weepy very often for no reason. This is bad. On the good side I am already losing tons of weight. So I don't really know how to feel.
blah.
blah.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
whine, bitch, moan, complain.
I found out there is a cyst on my right ovary that may need surgical removal. I'm trying not to freak out because it could just go away and not need any medical attention but if I fucking have to have surgery I'm going to flip my shit. I don't want to spend anymore time in the fucking hospital.
I am super lonely feeling right now.
I feel like I don't have a lot of friends (which is possibly the most ridiculous thing I could say, but I mean super close friends who I one hundred percent trust with my emotions) right now and it's really hard and it's really lonely.
Being grownup is one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn and it's weathering me so quickly and as cliched as this is life is short and I don't want to waste the increasingly shortening hours of my youth trying to learn how to be a grown up.
I'm tired of being tired all the time. My body is tired of hearing about what's wrong with it and why it can't do things.
I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. Comparing myself to everybody else who is smarter than me, and more talented than me, or more attractive than me, or better liked than me, or doing something way cooler with their life than me. But I'm too fucking lazy to fix any of it.
This is just me complaining. I'm actually doing rather well compared to the past lots of months.
I am super lonely feeling right now.
I feel like I don't have a lot of friends (which is possibly the most ridiculous thing I could say, but I mean super close friends who I one hundred percent trust with my emotions) right now and it's really hard and it's really lonely.
Being grownup is one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn and it's weathering me so quickly and as cliched as this is life is short and I don't want to waste the increasingly shortening hours of my youth trying to learn how to be a grown up.
I'm tired of being tired all the time. My body is tired of hearing about what's wrong with it and why it can't do things.
I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. Comparing myself to everybody else who is smarter than me, and more talented than me, or more attractive than me, or better liked than me, or doing something way cooler with their life than me. But I'm too fucking lazy to fix any of it.
This is just me complaining. I'm actually doing rather well compared to the past lots of months.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
this is where our daughter or gay son will sleep
ohhhhhh man. Watching Glee again. It's too much awesomeness. Like I should be in bed now resting up for work at 6 in the mo, but how can I not watch gorgeous SUPER TALL Cory Monteith belt out Journey at the top of his lungs, and listen to Lea Michele sing with her INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC GORGEOUS VOICE. Holy fuck, I could listen to her sing one hundred percent of the time. I'm not going to go on a whole spiel about it, but for realz, this girl has the most incredible voice.
Rachel: You're very talented.
Finn: Really?
Rachel: I would know. I'm very talented too.
AHHHHH! LOVE GLEE!
Anyways. I don't really have much to say about my life. I'm doing pretty good. Except my stupid uterus is limiting the things that I can do. It sucks. Here is a lllllllist:
1. Bathe. I can shower. But I can't bathe and I can't go swimming in the pool or the ocean (oh god, I shudder at the thought of all the infection I could get from the ocean).
2. Wear tampons. I cannot wear a tampon until my next period, and normally, not such a big deal because I would only be bleeding on week of the month, but OH SO FUNNY, stil bleeding clots and bacteria crap out, FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS! So yeah, I have to deal with nasty pads until next weekend.
3. Exercise. It's exhausting and it makes my penis muscles (the ones that would lead down to my penis would be if I had one. I don't know what those are called) sooooo tired.
4. Have sex. This one sucks the most. It hurt so bad. It was like being a virgin again but worse because my muscles were exhausted afterwards and I was weird and crampy. I expected this but it still sucks. COME ON! WHY CAN'T I JUST GET BACK TO ENJOYING SEX?
Anyways. I'm fine, I'm actually quite good. And I'm feeling a lot more okay looking (as I have felt super ugly for the past two months) and my weight is dropping again, so yay!
For the most part, I'm feeling pretty okay. And okay is good. Okay is very good.
AND GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
<3
ciao
Rachel: You're very talented.
Finn: Really?
Rachel: I would know. I'm very talented too.
AHHHHH! LOVE GLEE!
Anyways. I don't really have much to say about my life. I'm doing pretty good. Except my stupid uterus is limiting the things that I can do. It sucks. Here is a lllllllist:
1. Bathe. I can shower. But I can't bathe and I can't go swimming in the pool or the ocean (oh god, I shudder at the thought of all the infection I could get from the ocean).
2. Wear tampons. I cannot wear a tampon until my next period, and normally, not such a big deal because I would only be bleeding on week of the month, but OH SO FUNNY, stil bleeding clots and bacteria crap out, FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS! So yeah, I have to deal with nasty pads until next weekend.
3. Exercise. It's exhausting and it makes my penis muscles (the ones that would lead down to my penis would be if I had one. I don't know what those are called) sooooo tired.
4. Have sex. This one sucks the most. It hurt so bad. It was like being a virgin again but worse because my muscles were exhausted afterwards and I was weird and crampy. I expected this but it still sucks. COME ON! WHY CAN'T I JUST GET BACK TO ENJOYING SEX?
Anyways. I'm fine, I'm actually quite good. And I'm feeling a lot more okay looking (as I have felt super ugly for the past two months) and my weight is dropping again, so yay!
For the most part, I'm feeling pretty okay. And okay is good. Okay is very good.
AND GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
<3
ciao
Monday, February 15, 2010
can anybody find me sombody to love?
I hate my body. It hates me. We hate each other and are always trying to fuck each other up in funny ways. So what, I didn't eat for like two years straight, I apologized and have fully made up for it by eating lots and lots as much as I can in the past four years. Plus I was good to you before that. Yeah whatever, I was really into the drugs for a while but I'm off that for now, and who knows if I'll ever go back. Why can't you just fucking heal yourself and stop hating me so much. Yeah okay, you fought hard and won, barely, but won the war to stay alive and some semblance of healthy while I starved you, but I gave you the rest you needed and I fought as hard as I could for no relapse, and look, I hardly relapse. I don't think you can even call it relapse, sometimes the uncontrollable angst you throw at me stops me form having and appetite. Quite different wouldn't you say? You got your point across in the years before and after (but especially after) that that you can't control the chemicals in my brain anymore and that GIANT ANGST ATTACKS will follow me, probably my entire life. Yeah I lost a significant amount of weight that almost everyone notices, including my regulars at work, my parents, and yeah, my very best friend who usually keeps his mouth closed and eyes down on issues like this (and I am really sorry for that night, because we both know that night was the night that I really did fuck you up), but hey, I'm trying. Instead of spending all my money on liquor and drugs and clothes and bar cover, I'm buying you food. And yeah I really messed up with my poor judgment and turning of my cheek, but hey WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO END UP IN FUCKING MINOR MEDICAL APPOINTMENT AND THEN, A COUPLE DAYS LATER, A FUCKING INNER BODY INFECTION THAT LANDED ME A FEVER OF 105 AND IN THE HOSPITAL FOR THREE DAYS, CRYING, SCARED, CONFUSED, FUCKING DOPED UP ON MORPHINE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME, STUCK WITH NEEDLES THAT HAVE LEFT DISGUSTING ABUSIVE LOOKING BRUISES, BLEEDING OUT CHUNKS OF BACTERIA (so gross, sorry for that), THROWING UP, PARTIALLY FROM BEING SICK, PARTIALLY FROM MORPHINE BACKUP, THE BIGGEST PANIC ATTACK OF MY LIFE THAT ENDED IN ASKING FOR A DOUBLE DOSE OF MORPHINE ONLY SO I COULD SLEEP, AND, AND, AND, the most loneliness I have ever felt in my entire life. ever. The most alone. The most cut off, and insignificant and uncared about. ever. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME???
Why can you and why can't I just come to an agreement. Why can't we become a we instead of a you and me? Because I think that then I could heal, and you could heal, and then there will be waaaaaaaay less problems. Maybe not.
I'm going to apologize for the profuse longevity of this post. I'm going to continue to write about my past awfulness of the last train wreck of a week.
So we start here,
SUNDAY NIGHT: Anxious, crying, trying not to cry and be strong, confronting feelings I've never had before but mostly just feeling lost and confused and stupid. Also, sick. I am very sick. Luckily, the wonderful Hannah offers me her house, as an escape from mine, which at this point I am scared of being in. The rest of the night is pretty okay, movie watching, talking with Hannah, one of my most comforting people in the world.
MONDAY: I'm sick as balls, nervous, upset, crying, anxious, and then, totally out of it, with Hannah being my only anchor to proper reality. More illness, OH HEY my period showed up, HEY HEY HEY, and some semblance of proper reality, and then sleep. Lots and lots of really weird sleep with really really weird dreams (a close of bananas for like two hours? huh?). Waking up to Hannah setting out food for me, Hannah feeding me, Hannah hugging me, Hannah being just generally the best person in the world and keeping me safe. Then, feeling better. Way better like, sort of out of it, but able to grasp concepts now, be sociable. Caleb and Ben, two personal favorites of mine stop by to give Hannah relief time from the mess and shit pile that is me. Caleb takes over, and I mostly fall asleep again. Lily, Claire, Jos, and Kay all stop by, the boys leave. I'm feeling mostly up to par and like these people so by bed time, other than being fucking exhausted, am feeling way more elated. This giddy feeling starts to form as I fall asleep.
TUESDAY: Overstayed my stay at Hannah's. She says not but that's how I feel. I take off early, shower, eat a little, Caleb comes over, but has been at a work meeting since 6 so he just sleeps. Watch some TV, but I'm still feeling woozy so I just nap all day. Literally all day, then watch a whack load of bad TV and go to bed, alarm set, ready for work the next day.
WEDNESDAY: Started out so good. Got shit loads of sleep for work, was happy and perky at work all day, and Jodi, my super amazing ASM, was fantastic with me. Went home, literally grab my computer lay down on the couch with my saltines and watch The Vampire Diaries (new favorite show, so bad, but oh so addictive. There is literally not one unattractive person. They are all GORGEOUS TIMES A BILLION). But I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I start to get cold, really chilly, and then I'm shaking pretty uncontrollably. I start to get nervous cause I've never had a fever this bad, but I chalk it up to exhaustion. Try to call in sick but they can't cover my shift so I can go to the doctor. I take two advil and try to go to sleep.
THURSDAY 12:23am: Have not slept a wink, except maybe for a tiny bit where I had a dream I was a giant banana (seriously? what's up with all the bananas?). I've thrown up the entire contents of my stomach because I didn't eat dinner, and am shaking like crazy and freezing but I can feel my skin burning up. Walking to the bathroom to pee is exhausting and literally leaves me hanging on the bathroom door gasping for breath. and it hurts to pee, it burns. At this point I'm hysterical. Obviously I can't think straight and I've convinced myself that if I don't go to work I will get fired, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it our of bed to get there. Oh yeah, also I've been chugging water down and it's been going right through me. I'm dehydrated as fuck. After a call to the smartest person ever I'm convinced into telling my parents I'm sick, and what's been going on with me. They're 1st, scared as balls, 2nd, angry as balls, then 3rd, won't talk to me. I go take my temp as told to do, and I'm at a whopping 103.6C. This is a ridonc fever. I am rushed to the hospital, sobbing, but otherwise silence in the car cause my parents are so angry and scared and upset with me.
THURSDAY MORNING 1:30am - 11:30am: Spent in he emergency room. I got admitted almost immediately, a room, an IV three blood tests in one vein and another in the other IN THE SAME ARM ABOUT THREE CENTIMETERS APART (ouch! there is a giant bruise on my right arm), a giant ass dose of morphine and gravel so I don't get sick, FOUR pelvic exams all by dudes (a pelvic exam is where they put antibacterial gel on their gloves fingers and stick those fingers up your crotch and into your uterus where they fell around for tenderness and pain. Luckily the morphine is slowing me down or I would be screaming and yelping at the top of my lungs so I'm just crying) which is awkward and fucking painful as hell, more morphine, and lots of stuff I can't remember. I wake up around 9am, my dad is gone and replaced with my mom who wants to talk. HOLY FUCK MOM NOT THE TIME TO TELL ME HOW UPSET AND SAD AND DEPRESSED AND DISAPPOINTED YOU ARE IN ME. Luckily it resolves well with the morphine taking over and me sleeping until they admit me and the nurse comes down to take me to my room. I sleep until my new nurses come in.
THURSDAY/FRIDAY/SATURDAY MORNING: the next three days are lumped into blood tests, bad food, hella morphine (which I have a little device on my arm where they insert it through) every four hours, the burning of when they insert the morphine, gravel because morphine makes me puke, celebrity rehab 3 while on morphine (SO FUNNY) visits from Kay, Ben and Hannah, and Caleb, really weird phone conversations, opening ceremonies ( so boring), reading tons until I get my TV, more morphine, THE BIGGEST ANGST AND PANIC ATTACK OF MY LIFE which was fixed by more morphine I've ever had in my system at one time, HUGE IRRITATION WHENEVER I WOULD WAKE UP FROM A NAP AND THERE WAS NO MORPHINE IN MY SYSTEM, and my parents being the most lovely people ever. OH YEAH, I smelt really bad, and then I got a shower, but apparently when you nap on morphine you have really restless dreams and sweat a lot so I smelled so bad. But the nurses said they were used to it and that I didn't actually smell that bad.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON: DISCHARGE, go home and sleep. Oh and watch Paris, Je T'aime, a new favorite of mine. Sleep more.
And that's the end. It was lovely. And Saturday morning, when the doctor said grieving I just started bawling. It was awful. But that's what I'm doing right now. My body is going through a grieving process and so am I, and while I've been knowing that, I also haven't really? And I chose the weirdest time to understand that, cry about it, and then accept it. In front of strangers, and then my mom. So now, I'm taking it easy, watching all the TV I can to keep my mind off things, and letting myself grieve. OH AND HEY! I'm writing again for the first time in years, and I got really excited about this dumb little project but it made me happy.
SOOOOO, despite all the pain, physical and emotional I've dealt in the past week, and all the sympathy I've felt for myself and from others, I'm doing okay. Not well, because my body is still getting better, but okay. And I will be okay. Maybe not better, but okay. and for now that's all I can ask for.
And that's all I got.
Ciao
Why can you and why can't I just come to an agreement. Why can't we become a we instead of a you and me? Because I think that then I could heal, and you could heal, and then there will be waaaaaaaay less problems. Maybe not.
I'm going to apologize for the profuse longevity of this post. I'm going to continue to write about my past awfulness of the last train wreck of a week.
So we start here,
SUNDAY NIGHT: Anxious, crying, trying not to cry and be strong, confronting feelings I've never had before but mostly just feeling lost and confused and stupid. Also, sick. I am very sick. Luckily, the wonderful Hannah offers me her house, as an escape from mine, which at this point I am scared of being in. The rest of the night is pretty okay, movie watching, talking with Hannah, one of my most comforting people in the world.
MONDAY: I'm sick as balls, nervous, upset, crying, anxious, and then, totally out of it, with Hannah being my only anchor to proper reality. More illness, OH HEY my period showed up, HEY HEY HEY, and some semblance of proper reality, and then sleep. Lots and lots of really weird sleep with really really weird dreams (a close of bananas for like two hours? huh?). Waking up to Hannah setting out food for me, Hannah feeding me, Hannah hugging me, Hannah being just generally the best person in the world and keeping me safe. Then, feeling better. Way better like, sort of out of it, but able to grasp concepts now, be sociable. Caleb and Ben, two personal favorites of mine stop by to give Hannah relief time from the mess and shit pile that is me. Caleb takes over, and I mostly fall asleep again. Lily, Claire, Jos, and Kay all stop by, the boys leave. I'm feeling mostly up to par and like these people so by bed time, other than being fucking exhausted, am feeling way more elated. This giddy feeling starts to form as I fall asleep.
TUESDAY: Overstayed my stay at Hannah's. She says not but that's how I feel. I take off early, shower, eat a little, Caleb comes over, but has been at a work meeting since 6 so he just sleeps. Watch some TV, but I'm still feeling woozy so I just nap all day. Literally all day, then watch a whack load of bad TV and go to bed, alarm set, ready for work the next day.
WEDNESDAY: Started out so good. Got shit loads of sleep for work, was happy and perky at work all day, and Jodi, my super amazing ASM, was fantastic with me. Went home, literally grab my computer lay down on the couch with my saltines and watch The Vampire Diaries (new favorite show, so bad, but oh so addictive. There is literally not one unattractive person. They are all GORGEOUS TIMES A BILLION). But I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I start to get cold, really chilly, and then I'm shaking pretty uncontrollably. I start to get nervous cause I've never had a fever this bad, but I chalk it up to exhaustion. Try to call in sick but they can't cover my shift so I can go to the doctor. I take two advil and try to go to sleep.
THURSDAY 12:23am: Have not slept a wink, except maybe for a tiny bit where I had a dream I was a giant banana (seriously? what's up with all the bananas?). I've thrown up the entire contents of my stomach because I didn't eat dinner, and am shaking like crazy and freezing but I can feel my skin burning up. Walking to the bathroom to pee is exhausting and literally leaves me hanging on the bathroom door gasping for breath. and it hurts to pee, it burns. At this point I'm hysterical. Obviously I can't think straight and I've convinced myself that if I don't go to work I will get fired, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it our of bed to get there. Oh yeah, also I've been chugging water down and it's been going right through me. I'm dehydrated as fuck. After a call to the smartest person ever I'm convinced into telling my parents I'm sick, and what's been going on with me. They're 1st, scared as balls, 2nd, angry as balls, then 3rd, won't talk to me. I go take my temp as told to do, and I'm at a whopping 103.6C. This is a ridonc fever. I am rushed to the hospital, sobbing, but otherwise silence in the car cause my parents are so angry and scared and upset with me.
THURSDAY MORNING 1:30am - 11:30am: Spent in he emergency room. I got admitted almost immediately, a room, an IV three blood tests in one vein and another in the other IN THE SAME ARM ABOUT THREE CENTIMETERS APART (ouch! there is a giant bruise on my right arm), a giant ass dose of morphine and gravel so I don't get sick, FOUR pelvic exams all by dudes (a pelvic exam is where they put antibacterial gel on their gloves fingers and stick those fingers up your crotch and into your uterus where they fell around for tenderness and pain. Luckily the morphine is slowing me down or I would be screaming and yelping at the top of my lungs so I'm just crying) which is awkward and fucking painful as hell, more morphine, and lots of stuff I can't remember. I wake up around 9am, my dad is gone and replaced with my mom who wants to talk. HOLY FUCK MOM NOT THE TIME TO TELL ME HOW UPSET AND SAD AND DEPRESSED AND DISAPPOINTED YOU ARE IN ME. Luckily it resolves well with the morphine taking over and me sleeping until they admit me and the nurse comes down to take me to my room. I sleep until my new nurses come in.
THURSDAY/FRIDAY/SATURDAY MORNING: the next three days are lumped into blood tests, bad food, hella morphine (which I have a little device on my arm where they insert it through) every four hours, the burning of when they insert the morphine, gravel because morphine makes me puke, celebrity rehab 3 while on morphine (SO FUNNY) visits from Kay, Ben and Hannah, and Caleb, really weird phone conversations, opening ceremonies ( so boring), reading tons until I get my TV, more morphine, THE BIGGEST ANGST AND PANIC ATTACK OF MY LIFE which was fixed by more morphine I've ever had in my system at one time, HUGE IRRITATION WHENEVER I WOULD WAKE UP FROM A NAP AND THERE WAS NO MORPHINE IN MY SYSTEM, and my parents being the most lovely people ever. OH YEAH, I smelt really bad, and then I got a shower, but apparently when you nap on morphine you have really restless dreams and sweat a lot so I smelled so bad. But the nurses said they were used to it and that I didn't actually smell that bad.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON: DISCHARGE, go home and sleep. Oh and watch Paris, Je T'aime, a new favorite of mine. Sleep more.
And that's the end. It was lovely. And Saturday morning, when the doctor said grieving I just started bawling. It was awful. But that's what I'm doing right now. My body is going through a grieving process and so am I, and while I've been knowing that, I also haven't really? And I chose the weirdest time to understand that, cry about it, and then accept it. In front of strangers, and then my mom. So now, I'm taking it easy, watching all the TV I can to keep my mind off things, and letting myself grieve. OH AND HEY! I'm writing again for the first time in years, and I got really excited about this dumb little project but it made me happy.
SOOOOO, despite all the pain, physical and emotional I've dealt in the past week, and all the sympathy I've felt for myself and from others, I'm doing okay. Not well, because my body is still getting better, but okay. And I will be okay. Maybe not better, but okay. and for now that's all I can ask for.
And that's all I got.
Ciao
Monday, February 1, 2010
sigmund freud, analyze this
Today life is frustrating me. I work hard at being better, not doing drugs, drinking, getting to bed early instead of going out late and not getting any sleep, eating at proper intervals, making a very good and conscious effort to not talk about people behind their backs even when they're frustrating me, and how do I get repaid?
Like this:
I'm agitated and feel left out when everyone is drinking and doing drugs.
I can't fall asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning so I only get like three of four hours of sleep and that makes me fucking insane.
Me not talking about people in a vindictive way somehow causes everyone else to feel like it's okay to call me a fuck up and crazy and a bad friend and annoying and whatever else loverly flaws that irritate people and drive them to talk about me vindictively behind my back. And I find out about it on days when I'm down.
I'm gaining a shitload of weight and even though I tried eating protein and yummy tasty healthier choices, I've fainted three time in the past two weeks from fucked up blood sugar levels that aren't normal and definitely from past choices I've made (disorders, diseases, and drugs) and I upchuck a solid amount of food at least once a day. It's really charming.
To add on all of these super lovely things, My tits are giant past the point of attractiveness and they hurt like fuck all of the time. My skin is so bad and I've never had acne or even bad skin in my life, I look like shit. I have been so totally unsatisfied with my appearance lately, not once in the past three weeks have I felt attractive. I'm super fucking moody all the time and it makes me hate people. I really have not been able to deal with shit from people lately.
And, the cherry on the fucking top of the dripping and oozing ice cream sundae that is my life is that I have the worst fucking thing to deal with right now, like literally something that theoretically would have me running to the bathroom stalls crying and trying to drown myself in the toilet. Luckily I've taken it with a grain of salt and am laughing it off. Which is kind of awesome because it's made life a whole lot more bearable.
ANYWAYS, despite all my whining I'm doing decently. Watching The OC and Glee. and Gilmore Girls. This is how I cope with life. Through TV shows. I want some fudgeo-s. Imma go get some and eat some and yum yum yum!
Like this:
I'm agitated and feel left out when everyone is drinking and doing drugs.
I can't fall asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning so I only get like three of four hours of sleep and that makes me fucking insane.
Me not talking about people in a vindictive way somehow causes everyone else to feel like it's okay to call me a fuck up and crazy and a bad friend and annoying and whatever else loverly flaws that irritate people and drive them to talk about me vindictively behind my back. And I find out about it on days when I'm down.
I'm gaining a shitload of weight and even though I tried eating protein and yummy tasty healthier choices, I've fainted three time in the past two weeks from fucked up blood sugar levels that aren't normal and definitely from past choices I've made (disorders, diseases, and drugs) and I upchuck a solid amount of food at least once a day. It's really charming.
To add on all of these super lovely things, My tits are giant past the point of attractiveness and they hurt like fuck all of the time. My skin is so bad and I've never had acne or even bad skin in my life, I look like shit. I have been so totally unsatisfied with my appearance lately, not once in the past three weeks have I felt attractive. I'm super fucking moody all the time and it makes me hate people. I really have not been able to deal with shit from people lately.
And, the cherry on the fucking top of the dripping and oozing ice cream sundae that is my life is that I have the worst fucking thing to deal with right now, like literally something that theoretically would have me running to the bathroom stalls crying and trying to drown myself in the toilet. Luckily I've taken it with a grain of salt and am laughing it off. Which is kind of awesome because it's made life a whole lot more bearable.
ANYWAYS, despite all my whining I'm doing decently. Watching The OC and Glee. and Gilmore Girls. This is how I cope with life. Through TV shows. I want some fudgeo-s. Imma go get some and eat some and yum yum yum!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
i wanna dance with my babycakes, let my mouth go where it wants to
I heart Glee. I saw JD posting about that and just thought I would throw that one in there. For realz dudes, it's so awesome. Like straight up hilariosity. And I heart Finn too.
Anyhoo, things have been better but I'm super not down to talk about it.
Two weeks sans drugs and one month sans drunkeness. I'm weirdly proud of myself even though it's been a strange accident how it's happened. Just people losing their drugs, me not having enough money for drinking or drugs, not having anywhere that's decent to do drugs, other people flaking out. But I'm sill really proud, I don't care how accidental it's been.
The best part is I've noticed a small change is my lack of angst.
I really hate being a stupid person. I hate that my choices are do drugs and drink and smoke weed etc, and feel shitty all the time or I stay away from it all and am happier. It's such fucking bullshit. Being a depresso is so depressing. Because being drunk is fun and doing drugs recreationally is fun but I can't even do that. Especially not if I make the decision to use antidepressants again. I hate my body, I hate my brain, I hate the fact that I have to asses every single decision I make. Essentially, I hate that I can't be a weekend warrior.
Listening to Madonna right now. I also heart Madonna. Super stoked for the ENTIRELY MADONNA EPISODE OF GLEE!
ciao.
Anyhoo, things have been better but I'm super not down to talk about it.
Two weeks sans drugs and one month sans drunkeness. I'm weirdly proud of myself even though it's been a strange accident how it's happened. Just people losing their drugs, me not having enough money for drinking or drugs, not having anywhere that's decent to do drugs, other people flaking out. But I'm sill really proud, I don't care how accidental it's been.
The best part is I've noticed a small change is my lack of angst.
I really hate being a stupid person. I hate that my choices are do drugs and drink and smoke weed etc, and feel shitty all the time or I stay away from it all and am happier. It's such fucking bullshit. Being a depresso is so depressing. Because being drunk is fun and doing drugs recreationally is fun but I can't even do that. Especially not if I make the decision to use antidepressants again. I hate my body, I hate my brain, I hate the fact that I have to asses every single decision I make. Essentially, I hate that I can't be a weekend warrior.
Listening to Madonna right now. I also heart Madonna. Super stoked for the ENTIRELY MADONNA EPISODE OF GLEE!
ciao.
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