I have had the most infuriating day. I'm so frustrated by the lack of maturity and acceptance of someone I used to consider a best friend but completeley turned their back on me. I'm hurt and upset and basically have decided that none of my friendships that I work hard to keep going will last long term because I have a lot of personal issues that apparently and I'm apparently not worth working out fights with because I'm somewhat of a lost cause that can't control myself or my impulses. ALSO APPARENTLY I'M A DRUG ADDICT! I GUESS THAT HAPPENED WITHOUT MY KNOWING! AWESOME!
It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>
I'M A WHINING PRICK
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
i hate the hurt
Today I started yelling for no reason, which was stupid and uncalled for and ridonc, and ended up getting rather upset about something normal people would not freak out about but my irrational upsets made me realize that I actually have something I am upset about and through irrationality came proper rationality and thus the root of my anger and upsetness.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
my eyes cast low
ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
in my arms, don't take anything away
balkkasejtjbndsf.
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
the other side of mortality is scaring me to death
Oh hey! Hey hey hey!
Here is a fabulous picture from the Biltmore of a fabulous Saturday night!
I <3 this photo so much! It pretty much describes how fun and silly my night was and how much fun I especially had with these two ladies. PS. from lindsaysdiet. Sooooo good. And let me tell you how not stoked I was to be leaving my house and doing something. I was not looking forward to it. But I met up with Lily and got there and a ton of fab people showed up and I got wasted and had a great night! I LOVE THE BILTMORE!
Here is a fabulous picture from the Biltmore of a fabulous Saturday night!
I <3 this photo so much! It pretty much describes how fun and silly my night was and how much fun I especially had with these two ladies. PS. from lindsaysdiet. Sooooo good. And let me tell you how not stoked I was to be leaving my house and doing something. I was not looking forward to it. But I met up with Lily and got there and a ton of fab people showed up and I got wasted and had a great night! I LOVE THE BILTMORE!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
hilariosity
Hannah and I sometimes talk about silly things called the appendages that belong to men. We are funny. Here are some of the convos:
Tonight, Hannah and I are funny businesssssssss
01:22Maria
urrrggghthat is balls
i'm really into saying balls today for some reason
Hannahi like saying balls
01:23Maria
it's funny beans
01:23Hannah
but i really hate balls
01:23Maria
me too!they smell. sometimes. gross
01:24Hannah
smelly balls
01:24Maria
so gross
01:24Hannah
the worst
01:24Maria
and they're funny looking too
01:24Hannah
i hate them
If i had to pick one reason for being gay it would be balls.
hahah
Just over a year ago, msn conversation, I am A Bad Name (I left my msn on and Shawn and Caleb are jerks).
A Bad Name says: penises are so stupid
Hannah.... says:agreed
Hannah.... says:and really weird looking
A Bad Name says:but sooooooo cute
Hannah.... says:penises?
Hannah.... says:noo eww
Hannah.... says:i hate them
A Bad Name says:soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:your gross
A Bad Name says:no soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:bleeehh
A Bad Name says:they're little floppy appendages
Hannah.... says:exactly.. ewww
A Bad Name says:soooo cute
A Bad Name says:like floppy dog ears
A Bad Name says:or floppy memebon ears
Hannah.... says:liek floopy skinny, sometimes harry gross blobs of gross-ness
A Bad Name says:noooooooo
A Bad Name says:no like cute and compact and cozy
A Bad Name says:and furry
Hannah.... says:enough
Hannah.... says:i win
A Bad Name says:no
A Bad Name says:me
Hannah.... says:noooo
Hannah.... says:*pouts
Hannah.... says:haha
A Bad Name says:nooooooooo
A Bad Name says:fine you win
ummmm, foreshadowing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd one more for good silly measure
Hannah.... says:did you touch one latley?
Hannah.... says:go wash them
A Bad Name says:i did]
A Bad Name says:and i have
Hannah.... says:do it again?
A Bad Name says:huh?
Hannah.... says:wash them
Hannah.... says:hahah not touch it
A Bad Name says:yeah okay
A Bad Name says:I shall
A Bad Name says:not touch it
A Bad Name says:wash them
whooooooooooa man, we are sooooooooooo funny beans.
Tonight, Hannah and I are funny businesssssssss
01:22Maria
urrrggghthat is balls
i'm really into saying balls today for some reason
Hannahi like saying balls
01:23Maria
it's funny beans
01:23Hannah
but i really hate balls
01:23Maria
me too!they smell. sometimes. gross
01:24Hannah
smelly balls
01:24Maria
so gross
01:24Hannah
the worst
01:24Maria
and they're funny looking too
01:24Hannah
i hate them
If i had to pick one reason for being gay it would be balls.
hahah
Just over a year ago, msn conversation, I am A Bad Name (I left my msn on and Shawn and Caleb are jerks).
A Bad Name says: penises are so stupid
Hannah.... says:agreed
Hannah.... says:and really weird looking
A Bad Name says:but sooooooo cute
Hannah.... says:penises?
Hannah.... says:noo eww
Hannah.... says:i hate them
A Bad Name says:soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:your gross
A Bad Name says:no soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:bleeehh
A Bad Name says:they're little floppy appendages
Hannah.... says:exactly.. ewww
A Bad Name says:soooo cute
A Bad Name says:like floppy dog ears
A Bad Name says:or floppy memebon ears
Hannah.... says:liek floopy skinny, sometimes harry gross blobs of gross-ness
A Bad Name says:noooooooo
A Bad Name says:no like cute and compact and cozy
A Bad Name says:and furry
Hannah.... says:enough
Hannah.... says:i win
A Bad Name says:no
A Bad Name says:me
Hannah.... says:noooo
Hannah.... says:*pouts
Hannah.... says:haha
A Bad Name says:nooooooooo
A Bad Name says:fine you win
ummmm, foreshadowing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd one more for good silly measure
Hannah.... says:did you touch one latley?
Hannah.... says:go wash them
A Bad Name says:i did]
A Bad Name says:and i have
Hannah.... says:do it again?
A Bad Name says:huh?
Hannah.... says:wash them
Hannah.... says:hahah not touch it
A Bad Name says:yeah okay
A Bad Name says:I shall
A Bad Name says:not touch it
A Bad Name says:wash them
whooooooooooa man, we are sooooooooooo funny beans.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
he seems less insane than the others
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Back in the hospital on Tuesday night. It was really fun. SO MUCH FUN I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I'm pretty much confined to my house now for the rest of my life and that's super fun. SUPER FUN!
AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to get cabin fever and kill myself because I nearly did that last time.
and I'm in incredible uterus pain because they had to re-suck that last of the bacteria out of my uterus and I'm only allowed to take one pain killer every eight hours. AND my chest cold is terrible. I'm coughing up extreme amounts of gross coloured and textured flem and sometimes i feel like my throat is bleeding.
It's terribly depressing.
Back in the hospital on Tuesday night. It was really fun. SO MUCH FUN I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I'm pretty much confined to my house now for the rest of my life and that's super fun. SUPER FUN!
AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to get cabin fever and kill myself because I nearly did that last time.
and I'm in incredible uterus pain because they had to re-suck that last of the bacteria out of my uterus and I'm only allowed to take one pain killer every eight hours. AND my chest cold is terrible. I'm coughing up extreme amounts of gross coloured and textured flem and sometimes i feel like my throat is bleeding.
It's terribly depressing.
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