my eyes cast low

ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.

I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.

So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.

It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.

On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!




Some red hair. Whatever!




Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.