if you leave, don't leave twice

So first things first, I have some things to say to say to some loverly people:
Ruby, Lily, and Claire. You are loverly ladies with loverly hearts who make me all warm and loverly and fuzzy. Let me tell you something (it's gonna be real cheesy but it's the best analogy I can come up with). I wake up everyday and I feel like I' m trapped in a world where I wear grey colored glasses (yes this is my version of rose colored glasses but for depressed people). Everything is one blah color. Once in a while, sometime more often than not, there are little flashes of color. Those comments will leave color in my little grey world for a very long time.

And so I begin:

I am depressed. It's a painfully obvious fact and has been for a while but never has it been THIS apparent. It's gotten to the point where I'm happy when I'm depressed because it's so normal for me that I have to embrace the awfulness, or I would literally just cry all the time. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It's like because I'm so down all the time, I'm used to it and it doesn't hurt as much any more, so my norm is depressed but I've become a little desensitized to the awfulness and things just get worse and worse. The awful becomes the norm which becomes the happy.


Someone said to me a while back, I just want the Maria back who was always bubbly and laughed way too loud. And it made me cry because I'm not even remotely similar to that girl anymore.

That Maria was curvy and fun. She loved to laugh and hear other people to laugh and didn't have angst or depression or anything she needed to cry about except that her parents wouldn't let her out to party it up with her fabulous and plentiful friends.

Maria now is haggard and tired and has lost too much weight (I was 120 at the end of August, I'm 105 now and have been since at least Halloween. That's a lot of weight to lose in that short an amount of time if you aren't even trying. But for realz, have YOU tried to eat while way too anxious? You just puke it all back up). She laughs much more rarely and much less loudly. She isn't as shy as she used to be but she's much more reserved and mus more distrustful. She cries everyday without fail. She doesn't care about much except the well being of her friends and family, and she cares about her job.

Let me tell you something else. Some days I can't even get out of bed. Because I honestly can't even see a point anymore. Here is my reasoning: If nothing is going to get better, and at this point, after a year of total and incapacitating depression and angst, and a lifetime of depressed days and reoccurring angst, why am I even bothering? I mean why would anyone want to spend the rest of their life like this? I love my friends but I'm not sure that I love them more than I despise this feeling. So why should I get out of bed to go to work? So I can make money so I can continue to be a functioning member of society? WHY? I'm not getting better, there is no light at the goddamn end of the tunnel because there is no end of the tunnel. There is no color in grey land because colour doesn't exist. Life is blah and awful and it doesn't get better. So what is even the point?

YEAH
SO ANYWAYS

I have pshyc evaluation next week.
Go me. Maybe it will help me actually get better.

Until next time,
marmar

PS. Let's all (and by all, I mean the world) listen to JOURNEY ALL THE TIME PLEASE AND THANK YOU

a little bag of cocaine, a little bag of cocaine

MY TITS HURT LIKE A MO FO! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY AND AHHHHHHH THEY HURT SO BAD.

Like I can`t do anything because the second they brush against anything, and I mean brush, not jab or squish, they start to feel like they`re bleeding. It`s awful. Like for realz just brutal brutality.

Also I`m fucking hungry all the fucking time. Last month I was so fucking depressed I couldn`t fit more than a bite of food down my throat. BAILAKHDFIOHFI. THIS IS BULL.

So Ì`m just going to put it out there. Depression is retarded. You`re retarded depression.

My doctor gave me all these forms to fill out for tomorrow and I just remembered I had to do them so yeaaaaaaaah. DRUGS HERE I COME WAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOO!

High fives for antidepressants. Can`t say I`m stoked for xanax because`you get pretty zombie like but i`ll take zombie over whacked out insaneo.

Also, maybe I should stop the drugs. Or not. I believe New Years was my deadline. We`ll see.


I`m literally going insane.
FOR REALZ YO!

I woke up in a SoHo doorway, a policeman knew my name

ACK! is all I have to say.

My goddamn copy of Won't Get Fooled Again is fucked. How am I supposed to pretend I'm part of CSI:Miami without it. FOR REALZ WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!?!?!?!?

I love David Caruso. No one thinks this is a good idea or agrees with me. It's their loss. PLUS NO ONE SHOULD JUDGE. WHEN THEY CAN SAY ONE LINERS AND LOOK EQUALLY AS COOL AND ALSO HAVE ROGER DALTRY DO AN AWESOME AS BALLS SHRIEK SCREAM YEAOW AFTER THEIR COOL ONE LINER THEN THEY CAN JUDGE.

But thar ain't gonna happen is it. Because Roger Daltry doth scream for no man.

Suck and that you shaming fools. Roger Daltry does nothing for youses.


In all seriousness though. I love Caruso

everything's fine except you've got that look in your eye: you've got me standing in an awkward position

I dropped out of school today. Actually I withdrew from school today. It was suggested I do so by one of my teachers and I just knew I wasn't doing well in my other classes and I wasn't going to be able to catch up.

I wasted my parents money, BUT I WILL PAY THEM BACK! I can't not, it's too awful of me. I'm looking for a second job as we speak, Sbucks in the early mo and hopefully a serving job in the later evening.

I'm depressed and disappointed in myself as balls but I'm ignoring it as best possible. Imma just get wasted as much as possible with my budget this weekend and then when I get paid, blow it all on booze.

Being a failure is the worst feeling. I can hear and see and feel the disappointment from my parents, who have supported me through this entire thing. I AM A FUCK UP. WAH WAH WAH

I know that I should let go but I can't

I feel like crying for two reasons, both of them good, but only one of them happy.

1. This weekend something, friend wise that has been essentially the main reason for my angst the past little while got fixed. I don't want to go into large detail because it's super personal but things just got way better for me. And the funny thing is, is that in the past part of what is making me happy would have destroyed me for a good while. So yay for healing myself and my relationships.

2. I really miss my friends who are away. JD and Lolly I miss you guys like crazy. I have definitely cried over it, as I tend to do when I miss people. It's not even bad, I'm super happy for both them doing awesome things on their own, but I am a selfish person and want them both back. NOW PLEASE.


That is all for tonight. My father just came down and accused me of being a drug addict because I can't sleep, so imma push my body to sleep just to spite him. HAHA, not going to happen.

Insomnia is the worst. It pisses everyone off.

my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundations

Dear most boys whom I know,

Most of you are such uncaring-about-others assholes sometimes. You care about yourselves and your loneliness so much that you neglect to think our feelings and how we feel when you a) hit us inappropriately, and b) when two seconds later you're off doing the same thing to another girl, one of our friends. It's gross and degrading and it actually hurts us sometimes. Just because we don't go around throwing ourselves at you or touching you inappropriately doesn't mean we aren't lonely. it just means we won't settle for the first attractive thing that comes our way. We're in it for the long haul, something that we consider worth while, NOT some bullshit, this person is drunk so I guess i should. Leave us alone, or at least, be gentlemen. Ask us to dance instead of just grabbing us and practically molesting us. Don't touch us inappropriately. Don't ask us to sit on your laps or kiss you or touch your hair or the material that your pants is made of. If we aren't already doing it, we don't want to be. AND, if you ask us to do one of these things and there is a little bit of hesitation IT MEANS WE ARE SUPER RELUCTANT TO DO IT AND REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE!!! Please, for the sake of our sanity and our pride, BACK OFF. If we want you, we'll let it be known.

marmar

Anyways, with that said, Kate Nash, my new musical best friend. Her lyrics aren't great, but they aren't terrible either, and i just feel really happy, and also really into fall whenever i listen to her.

This is all I have to say this evening.
ciao

Jeremiah was a bullfrog/I'm a soul man

YAY Thanksgiving. Yum yum yum cranberry sauce, my favorite part of the holidays.

So I should really be getting down to homework right now, but I just can't focus this weekend, and so I'm going to use my blog as a tool of distraction and procrastination.

I've been having the best and worst time of my life. While I thoroughly enjoy school and learning and sometimes even studying *gasp* I also have gotten so behind I had the worst breakdown that I've had in quite a while. It was terrifying. The worst panic attack of my life for sure.

While I thoroughly love going out and meeting new people, especially cute boy from UVic two weeks ago, reconnecting with R's friend this weekend, talking to people I kind of knew and now fully know, hanging out with the super cool bartenders and doorguys,etc., I don't like showing up to the Astoria on metal night and then getting may to drunk and in yelling matches outside and then going home to puke in my toilet while my friends use the sink and shower for the exact same thing at the exact same time. Blah.

Urgh. I love my parents but dealing with them is hard.

Life is hard! Why don't they teach is these things in school? Oh right, they did, I just wasn't in class on those days.


Well, things to look forward to:
- emailing my phila prof and changing my essay topic to something I'm genuinely interested in.
- seeing cute boy next saturday
- SOUL CLUB!
- Convincing Johnny boy to come down to soul club
- LA NORRIS!

SUPA STOKED
SO SICK BRO SOOOOOO SICK

I'm a ginormous loser geek, but it's not so bad.

ciao bellas.