everything's fine except you've got that look in your eye: you've got me standing in an awkward position

I dropped out of school today. Actually I withdrew from school today. It was suggested I do so by one of my teachers and I just knew I wasn't doing well in my other classes and I wasn't going to be able to catch up.

I wasted my parents money, BUT I WILL PAY THEM BACK! I can't not, it's too awful of me. I'm looking for a second job as we speak, Sbucks in the early mo and hopefully a serving job in the later evening.

I'm depressed and disappointed in myself as balls but I'm ignoring it as best possible. Imma just get wasted as much as possible with my budget this weekend and then when I get paid, blow it all on booze.

Being a failure is the worst feeling. I can hear and see and feel the disappointment from my parents, who have supported me through this entire thing. I AM A FUCK UP. WAH WAH WAH

I know that I should let go but I can't

I feel like crying for two reasons, both of them good, but only one of them happy.

1. This weekend something, friend wise that has been essentially the main reason for my angst the past little while got fixed. I don't want to go into large detail because it's super personal but things just got way better for me. And the funny thing is, is that in the past part of what is making me happy would have destroyed me for a good while. So yay for healing myself and my relationships.

2. I really miss my friends who are away. JD and Lolly I miss you guys like crazy. I have definitely cried over it, as I tend to do when I miss people. It's not even bad, I'm super happy for both them doing awesome things on their own, but I am a selfish person and want them both back. NOW PLEASE.


That is all for tonight. My father just came down and accused me of being a drug addict because I can't sleep, so imma push my body to sleep just to spite him. HAHA, not going to happen.

Insomnia is the worst. It pisses everyone off.

my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundations

Dear most boys whom I know,

Most of you are such uncaring-about-others assholes sometimes. You care about yourselves and your loneliness so much that you neglect to think our feelings and how we feel when you a) hit us inappropriately, and b) when two seconds later you're off doing the same thing to another girl, one of our friends. It's gross and degrading and it actually hurts us sometimes. Just because we don't go around throwing ourselves at you or touching you inappropriately doesn't mean we aren't lonely. it just means we won't settle for the first attractive thing that comes our way. We're in it for the long haul, something that we consider worth while, NOT some bullshit, this person is drunk so I guess i should. Leave us alone, or at least, be gentlemen. Ask us to dance instead of just grabbing us and practically molesting us. Don't touch us inappropriately. Don't ask us to sit on your laps or kiss you or touch your hair or the material that your pants is made of. If we aren't already doing it, we don't want to be. AND, if you ask us to do one of these things and there is a little bit of hesitation IT MEANS WE ARE SUPER RELUCTANT TO DO IT AND REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE!!! Please, for the sake of our sanity and our pride, BACK OFF. If we want you, we'll let it be known.

marmar

Anyways, with that said, Kate Nash, my new musical best friend. Her lyrics aren't great, but they aren't terrible either, and i just feel really happy, and also really into fall whenever i listen to her.

This is all I have to say this evening.
ciao

Jeremiah was a bullfrog/I'm a soul man

YAY Thanksgiving. Yum yum yum cranberry sauce, my favorite part of the holidays.

So I should really be getting down to homework right now, but I just can't focus this weekend, and so I'm going to use my blog as a tool of distraction and procrastination.

I've been having the best and worst time of my life. While I thoroughly enjoy school and learning and sometimes even studying *gasp* I also have gotten so behind I had the worst breakdown that I've had in quite a while. It was terrifying. The worst panic attack of my life for sure.

While I thoroughly love going out and meeting new people, especially cute boy from UVic two weeks ago, reconnecting with R's friend this weekend, talking to people I kind of knew and now fully know, hanging out with the super cool bartenders and doorguys,etc., I don't like showing up to the Astoria on metal night and then getting may to drunk and in yelling matches outside and then going home to puke in my toilet while my friends use the sink and shower for the exact same thing at the exact same time. Blah.

Urgh. I love my parents but dealing with them is hard.

Life is hard! Why don't they teach is these things in school? Oh right, they did, I just wasn't in class on those days.


Well, things to look forward to:
- emailing my phila prof and changing my essay topic to something I'm genuinely interested in.
- seeing cute boy next saturday
- SOUL CLUB!
- Convincing Johnny boy to come down to soul club
- LA NORRIS!

SUPA STOKED
SO SICK BRO SOOOOOO SICK

I'm a ginormous loser geek, but it's not so bad.

ciao bellas.

I wish you weren't here

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote anything of quality so hur I go...







I started school today, which is amazing. It's amazing I even found the feeling of wanting to go back to school because I never ever thought I would ever ever want to come back. Yet here I am, back at school, enjoying myself, which is great. I've only had one class so far but it was French and it was an hour long and it was basically a refresher of French 12. Easy Peasy.







I have an hour long Poli Sci lecture next. The area of PS I'm 'studying' is morality and justice, which is basically what I'm doing in Philosophy as well (my third course). Super excited, except that I don't really know how to take notes. I guess I'll just write down what I think is important.







My life this summer was crazy crazy crazy. I turned nineteen on August fifth and I belive I went clubbing something like 22 of 26 days once I turned nineteen. Madame Raquel has been a godsend to me.







Before my birthday I was so down and out and then I was of age and she just got me back on track. My month of August was two hundred percent more fabulous because of her.

This is us at The Biltmore from when Rony's Photo Booth was hur.

One of my absolute favorite photos of me ever. We both look so fabulous. This photo basically depicts how spending time with Raquel feels.

I am worried I won't have time for a social life with school and work though. It;s the one thing about school that's making me super duper anxious.

ladedadeda

This is what I have to say today:

AAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!

i felt the power of death over life, i orphaned his children, i widowed his wife

Some days my loneliness is palpable. Some days it hides easily behind a hug or a kiss on the cheek a friend will give me.

Today is a lonely day. Alone in my parents house. Up early. No one to talk to.

My week has been very angst ridden. Yesterday I had a massive angst attack. Not quite a panic attack, but I was feeling so faint from being so anxious I almost passed out. They had to send me off the floor at work. I spent the next ten minutes crying in the back room.

I keep saying (lying to myself) that the mess that is my financial situation is fine. Then my parents left. Then my paycheque was tiny. Then it is my birthday. Then I need to eat food I don't have nor can afford.

Every time I have come to every single one of those realizations, the angst creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly, and then just settles in my gut, slowly dissolving the neat reassuring lies I tell myself.

I can barely sleep (especially when I'm alone). Eating makes me feel sick and throw up once in a while (so there's one problem solved!) (not funny?). The people I want to be around me at all times can't (not their fault, it's mine for being so selfish).

I felt the power
of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I prolly shouldn't be listening to Johnny Cash in the state I'm in (especially to American IV), but it's so good. All the time. No matter what. Plus it reminds me of a time when I was less lonely. When my dad and I were super close and would sit in our living room in the summer nights listening to John Cale and Johnny Cash (complete opposites) and eat cheese (he would drink beer and I would drink water) and he would tell me the history of the music.


BUT WAIT!

We all need someone we can lean on

So where's my person going, If you want it you can lean on me?

Sad sad sad face.

There has also been quite a bit listening to The Rolling Stones.

WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WE CAN BLEED ON
WE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN BLEED ON ME.