So I got some bad mental health news. Nothing I didn't already know but being officially diagnosed has gotten me really down. It's funny how it's almost a catch 22 of depression.
That's all for now folks. I've been to preoccupied with feeling sorry for myself to write. Maria = pathetic mess.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
dream a little dream of me
This is my current perfect day dream and I will make it happen someday.
I want to go to Paris in the springtime. Nannying/ Au Paring in a little beret for a wealthy family. On one of my days I will find a park that overlooks a large chunk of Paris. There, with my lunch of a baguette and a block of cheese (blue cheese!) I will read a book that I love. I will cry and laugh all at once. Complete joy and tristese at the same time. The most beautiful feeling in the entire world.
I know it's a little cheesy but it's something I aspire to do.
I want to go to Paris in the springtime. Nannying/ Au Paring in a little beret for a wealthy family. On one of my days I will find a park that overlooks a large chunk of Paris. There, with my lunch of a baguette and a block of cheese (blue cheese!) I will read a book that I love. I will cry and laugh all at once. Complete joy and tristese at the same time. The most beautiful feeling in the entire world.
I know it's a little cheesy but it's something I aspire to do.
Monday, May 17, 2010
walking around waiting downtown
Things are hard. I am lonely. Get over it Maria.
On the upside. Things are starting to fall into place. My travelling. The money for my travelling. What I actually want to do with my life. My health (not really but I'n finally getting put through for appointments). My therapy. My friends (sort of. I'm working on it).
I'm really going to push for travelling in the next few months. with my GINORMOUS tax return coming back to me soon and hopefully I can get my 2007 done cause I'll be getting some moneys back, and if I save as much as possible in the next four months I can be out of here by September, October, or November, for as short as 3 months to asl long as two years. My ideal is 6 to 8 months.
So we'll see. But as far as work goes abroad I've found somethiing plausible that someone I know has done. So fingers crossed.
I need a break from this town and the people I know. I love it here and I love everyone but I need some time alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life where I can be alone and sort of deal with my problems by myself. I'm not one hundred percent there yet but I'm learning the value of lots of time alone and a good book.
So when I'm leaving I'll be ready to spend time alone and be happy about it. And make new friends! So we'll seeeeeeeee!
On the upside. Things are starting to fall into place. My travelling. The money for my travelling. What I actually want to do with my life. My health (not really but I'n finally getting put through for appointments). My therapy. My friends (sort of. I'm working on it).
I'm really going to push for travelling in the next few months. with my GINORMOUS tax return coming back to me soon and hopefully I can get my 2007 done cause I'll be getting some moneys back, and if I save as much as possible in the next four months I can be out of here by September, October, or November, for as short as 3 months to asl long as two years. My ideal is 6 to 8 months.
So we'll see. But as far as work goes abroad I've found somethiing plausible that someone I know has done. So fingers crossed.
I need a break from this town and the people I know. I love it here and I love everyone but I need some time alone.
I'm coming to a place in my life where I can be alone and sort of deal with my problems by myself. I'm not one hundred percent there yet but I'm learning the value of lots of time alone and a good book.
So when I'm leaving I'll be ready to spend time alone and be happy about it. And make new friends! So we'll seeeeeeeee!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
a friend you used to call
I have had the most infuriating day. I'm so frustrated by the lack of maturity and acceptance of someone I used to consider a best friend but completeley turned their back on me. I'm hurt and upset and basically have decided that none of my friendships that I work hard to keep going will last long term because I have a lot of personal issues that apparently and I'm apparently not worth working out fights with because I'm somewhat of a lost cause that can't control myself or my impulses. ALSO APPARENTLY I'M A DRUG ADDICT! I GUESS THAT HAPPENED WITHOUT MY KNOWING! AWESOME!
It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>
I'M A WHINING PRICK
It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>
I'M A WHINING PRICK
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
i hate the hurt
Today I started yelling for no reason, which was stupid and uncalled for and ridonc, and ended up getting rather upset about something normal people would not freak out about but my irrational upsets made me realize that I actually have something I am upset about and through irrationality came proper rationality and thus the root of my anger and upsetness.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
my eyes cast low
ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
in my arms, don't take anything away
balkkasejtjbndsf.
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
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