my eyes cast low

ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.

I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.

So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.

It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.

On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!




Some red hair. Whatever!




Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.

in my arms, don't take anything away

balkkasejtjbndsf.

I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.

Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!

I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.

On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.

I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.

looooobbbbbbbeeeeee

the other side of mortality is scaring me to death

Oh hey! Hey hey hey!

Here is a fabulous picture from the Biltmore of a fabulous Saturday night!



I <3 this photo so much! It pretty much describes how fun and silly my night was and how much fun I especially had with these two ladies. PS. from lindsaysdiet. Sooooo good. And let me tell you how not stoked I was to be leaving my house and doing something. I was not looking forward to it. But I met up with Lily and got there and a ton of fab people showed up and I got wasted and had a great night! I LOVE THE BILTMORE!

hilariosity

Hannah and I sometimes talk about silly things called the appendages that belong to men. We are funny. Here are some of the convos:

Tonight, Hannah and I are funny businesssssssss

01:22Maria
urrrggghthat is balls
i'm really into saying balls today for some reason
Hannahi like saying balls
01:23Maria
it's funny beans
01:23Hannah
but i really hate balls
01:23Maria
me too!they smell. sometimes. gross
01:24Hannah
smelly balls
01:24Maria
so gross
01:24Hannah
the worst
01:24Maria
and they're funny looking too
01:24Hannah
i hate them
If i had to pick one reason for being gay it would be balls.
hahah

Just over a year ago, msn conversation, I am A Bad Name (I left my msn on and Shawn and Caleb are jerks).

A Bad Name says: penises are so stupid
Hannah.... says:agreed
Hannah.... says:and really weird looking
A Bad Name says:but sooooooo cute
Hannah.... says:penises?
Hannah.... says:noo eww
Hannah.... says:i hate them
A Bad Name says:soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:your gross
A Bad Name says:no soooooo cute
Hannah.... says:bleeehh
A Bad Name says:they're little floppy appendages
Hannah.... says:exactly.. ewww
A Bad Name says:soooo cute
A Bad Name says:like floppy dog ears
A Bad Name says:or floppy memebon ears
Hannah.... says:liek floopy skinny, sometimes harry gross blobs of gross-ness
A Bad Name says:noooooooo
A Bad Name says:no like cute and compact and cozy
A Bad Name says:and furry
Hannah.... says:enough
Hannah.... says:i win
A Bad Name says:no
A Bad Name says:me
Hannah.... says:noooo
Hannah.... says:*pouts
Hannah.... says:haha
A Bad Name says:nooooooooo
A Bad Name says:fine you win

ummmm, foreshadowing?


Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd one more for good silly measure

Hannah.... says:did you touch one latley?
Hannah.... says:go wash them
A Bad Name says:i did]
A Bad Name says:and i have
Hannah.... says:do it again?
A Bad Name says:huh?
Hannah.... says:wash them
Hannah.... says:hahah not touch it
A Bad Name says:yeah okay
A Bad Name says:I shall
A Bad Name says:not touch it
A Bad Name says:wash them


whooooooooooa man, we are sooooooooooo funny beans.

he seems less insane than the others

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Back in the hospital on Tuesday night. It was really fun. SO MUCH FUN I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I'm pretty much confined to my house now for the rest of my life and that's super fun. SUPER FUN!

AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to get cabin fever and kill myself because I nearly did that last time.

and I'm in incredible uterus pain because they had to re-suck that last of the bacteria out of my uterus and I'm only allowed to take one pain killer every eight hours. AND my chest cold is terrible. I'm coughing up extreme amounts of gross coloured and textured flem and sometimes i feel like my throat is bleeding.

It's terribly depressing.

rattle and shake

I would just like to note that the last post was me on birth control. I get very weepy very often for no reason. This is bad. On the good side I am already losing tons of weight. So I don't really know how to feel.

blah.

whine, bitch, moan, complain.

I found out there is a cyst on my right ovary that may need surgical removal. I'm trying not to freak out because it could just go away and not need any medical attention but if I fucking have to have surgery I'm going to flip my shit. I don't want to spend anymore time in the fucking hospital.

I am super lonely feeling right now.

I feel like I don't have a lot of friends (which is possibly the most ridiculous thing I could say, but I mean super close friends who I one hundred percent trust with my emotions) right now and it's really hard and it's really lonely.

Being grownup is one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn and it's weathering me so quickly and as cliched as this is life is short and I don't want to waste the increasingly shortening hours of my youth trying to learn how to be a grown up.

I'm tired of being tired all the time. My body is tired of hearing about what's wrong with it and why it can't do things.

I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. Comparing myself to everybody else who is smarter than me, and more talented than me, or more attractive than me, or better liked than me, or doing something way cooler with their life than me. But I'm too fucking lazy to fix any of it.

This is just me complaining. I'm actually doing rather well compared to the past lots of months.