Today I started yelling for no reason, which was stupid and uncalled for and ridonc, and ended up getting rather upset about something normal people would not freak out about but my irrational upsets made me realize that I actually have something I am upset about and through irrationality came proper rationality and thus the root of my anger and upsetness.
The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!
BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS
I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
my eyes cast low
ARGH! Depression and mediocrity is taking over my life again. It's really awful and driving me insane. I'm losing my ability to be motivated about things anymore. And that makes me more depressed and less motivated. I want to punch myself in the face or wake myself up but I can't.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
I'm really lonely right now, just all alone in my big lonely house. And I've also come to the realization I don't really like to date or even want to date. I like relationships and I like dating I guess, but only with the exact right person. Someone who can put up with my crazy and still love me. That's why the people I'm closest with are the people I'm the closest with. Because not once when I'm like, HEY I'M HAVING A CRAZY DAY, have the yelled at me for being crazy.
So. There is the issue of SSRIs again. Because I'm not really sure I need them. But when I get really low like this I can't work or see people or be myself, essentially. I just lay in my bed all day and watch Buffy and waste away. But SSRIs are such a commitment. And here is the big problem. They are a super commitment. The issue is that I drink at least twice a week and do drugs (weed, coke, mdma, something) once a week. I am totally not fit to decide whether or not I'm anxious because I am or because these are the side effects of drugs. ESPECIALLY WEED SMOKING! Shit, does that stuff screw up my nervous system and make me anxious as FUCK all the time (which apparently it's notorious for). And if I do hop onto SSRIs it means no drinking or drugs for me. They're a hella commitment that require my complete abstinence from anything that might mess them up.
It's confusing and hard and life is really hard for me right now. I want to chop up my over thinking brain into a million little pieces.
On a happier note, PRETTY PICTURES!
Some red hair. Whatever!
Ack! After getting invite to an art show! I felt veby hipstery.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
in my arms, don't take anything away
balkkasejtjbndsf.
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
I don't even know. What to think. I hate life. And now I'm back to hating me. Blah.
Right now, 8:43 pm, was the first time I got out of bed today. I have a pizza coming to my house at 9 and that will be the first thing I eat all day today. And the first thing I eat in 34 hours. BUT HEY! I'm real skinny today. I felt beautiful which was nice!
I'll be better soon though, what with pizza on the way, Buffy waiting for me. downstairs to sympathize (Buffy is very sympathetic) to my pain, and listening to Stars.
On a rando ramble, Stars is my most favorite band and I will always love them. They perpetually amaze me and make me feel better.
I don't have much else to say, Up until last night I was doing pretty okay and now I'm not. But I'll be better. Pretty much me pointless rambling.
looooobbbbbbbeeeeee
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