You couldn't take it on the tightrope, no you had to take it on the side

I think that I am in a silly silly silly mood and that is silly and silliness.

I have basically spent the past three our four days completley stoned. Sort of. Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday after work, Monday evening, Tues very early in the morning hours.

Watching Veronica Mars on my couches I have pushed into a bed with my many warm blankets and eating Kraft Dinner, bananas, apples, salad with delicious ceasar dressing, milk, water, and advil in my dad's old cozy teal sweater is sooooo fantastic.

And I just found another, of hundreds, excellently written Veronica Mars quote:
Veronica: I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI.
Ronald: You're a girl.
Veronica: Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency?
Ronald: So?
Veronica: Well put, Ronald. We need firemen, too.

Why is Veronica the coolest, wittiest girl ever?

ANYWAYS I tend to ramble about Veronica Mars. Maybe if it wasn't THE SWEETEST SHOW EVER I would have much less to ramble about.

Urmm... so I feel like I should write an omage because I haven't done one in a while and there are many fantastical people I know that deserve omages but I am so lazy, so until next time...

Ciao

Gray skies and light fading, headlamps making patterns on the wall

" I mean, when you really think about it, music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common. Plus there's the fact that music is a total constant. That's why we have such a visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No mater what else has changed in you or in the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment, which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it."

I found this quote in a Sarah Dessen book, one I was so bashfully reading, and thought it was just really amazing. The part about music taking you back to a moment, place, or person is exactly how I feel about music and why I love it so much.

That's all for tonight folks, I'm too tired to write anymore.

Ciao

PS. I am watching Veronica Mars Season 3 and it's just too sweet. Veronica is the awesomist.

far out past the fences, no more kind words

Today was an excellent day, excellent excellent excellent.

It started being good when I got to sleep in cause I had no work today. Then I went to school and saw many people I hadn't seen in a along time. Plus I got to meet Lily's best friend Evan. I was a little anti-climactic as we didn't really chat about our common interest, Lily, but it mean a lot to Lily and so because she was happy we were meeting, I was happy we were meeting.

I also ran into my sister, whom I adore. She is fabulous and beautiful and fashionble and kind and smart and funny and awesome all rolled into one package. She is popular because she is nice to everybody, but stays away from trying to be cool and trying to get into drinking and boys and being popular too young because she is smart like that. She gets hella great grades and is doing a school sponsored trip next year because she is "sick of all the drama and needs a change for a little while." which shows how goddamn mature and awesome she is.

I got high with Sami, Bex, and the Kenney boys tonight and it was P.Fucking.Sweet. I really enjoy being high with all of them, it's anice chemistry to be with and I love that Kai understands exactly how much more I love Pink Floyd when I'm high and how great Wish You Were Here is while high. The meaning behind Pink FLyod just seems to come toegther when your baked. It's not even the lyrics. It's the sound and the atmosphere and the feeling that just..make sense. IT'S GREAT.

So yes. In general, doing okay, anti-depressants seem to be working for me. I mean, I have still had a morning or two where I haven't wanted to get out of bed, but it happens and I feel beter about a lotof stuff.

Much love

PS. Friday marks a three year anniversary of the most dismal day of the year for me. For anyone who cares, I shall be the most depressed I ever get, EVER, will not really be eating at all, and may just zone out randomly. A hug and reminder that love is around would be greatly appreciated.

Our angst is entertaining

I feel like I hit a sort of bottom tonight. It might have to do with the fact that I took recreationally took pain killers last night, but I doubt it. I've been waiting for this for a while.

There is only so much that can go wrong in your life and when it all goes wrong there isn't much you can do except watch in horror and then cry.

Image your mother, father, parent, guardian, sibling, someone who is always there to take care of you, suddenly is the one who needs taking care of and comforting. Watching my comfort person fall to pieces and knowing that there was nothing I could do to make anything better for her was one of the most difficult things I'd ever had to watch. How are you supposed to live with yourself when you can't provide for the person who provides for you the most?

So there was that.

A very bad TV show once taught me that, "That's the toughest part, letting go."
What's just as tough as letting go is when you realize that you have let go.
I realized tonight, that I am utterly and completley over my ex-boyfriend. I have been over him for a while, but actually letting go of him in that relationship respect has been really difficult. I still love him, just in a completley different, close friend way. And that's awful for me because I hate having to let go of people. To not have to care about them in the same way or worry about them as much or get to have a say in their life. Sure I might still get some of that say but my opinions aren't going to carry as much flak as they used to. What we had we will never have again and all those great moments will slowly fade away and the hard part about that is I just don't mind any more.

Here is the deal with Caleb, mon ex, he can be a neglectful piece of shit, but when it matters the most he always pulls through. He was walking me somewhere tonight, so i could catch a cab and I just broke down. There was previous business to attend to and it just made me feel raw and depressed. Fortunatley for me I had Caleb (unfortunatley for him, he had to deal with me). There is something about Caleb and the fact that we dated, something that makes me feel so open in front of him. He sees my vulnerability and instead of exploiting it or making me feel badly, he takes it at face value and because he knows I get too stuck in my head, he helps me sort things out.

The hardest thing about letting Caleb go is that I was so worried that he wouldn't be there for me anymore. I need to be able to be that vulnerable in front of somebody. So tonight, I was able to let go of that worry and that little tiny bitty piece of angst that I was holding on to for whatever reason, and just breathe. Yeah it was uber difficult, but it was worth it because now, in the depths of my angst and depression and hurt, there is something less that I have to worry about and something more that I have to look forward to.

Things are brutal for me right now. Barely bearable brutal, but I feel like the fact that I can find something to smile at before I fall asleep, something that isn't me wallowing in the past but looking forward to what's coming, mean something. I'm not sure what yet, but it means something to me and that is what is pulling me through this super fun pain.

So sassy, so classy, so persnicketty

Sometimes, when you see Kraft Dinner and it's not orange it's a little concerning. I get kind of worried.

Just as a side note, you know, so my opinion on Kraft Dinner that is not orange is known.

On the blue scale, my day today has been pretty great, I got through it, I'm tired, but I made it through without crying about something stupidly stupid. On a general scale it was not a good day.

So I'm watching more very bad TV, this weeks favorite is an dold favorite, One Tree Hill. The sassiest thing just happened and it was soooooo awesome. Peyton and Lindsay hate each other due to Lucas and Lucas letting out his mother's warehouse to Peyton so she can get her record label up and running but he won;t let her pay rent. Then Lindsay and Peyton get in this massivo fight over Lucas (Lindsay is dating him but he is so clearly in love with Peyton). Peyton decides she has to pay Lucas rent but he won't accept it from her due to them being "friends". They get in all these arguments about it so she decides to get sassy.

They're at this bar and she gets the bar tender to deliver her rent cheque in a cocktail shaker into his glass. Then she glares at him from across the club. So classy and so sassy.

Sassy girls are so great, so here is a list of them and some of my favorite one liners of theirs:

My #3 Anna from The OC:
"Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?"

"Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?"

"You know what your problem is? You're not a man."

My #2 sassy girls is Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
"Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair."

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

"I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?"

[making fun of Giles] "Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone."

"Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back."

" I-I don't know. But it was cool. I think I know why Joan's the boss! I'm like a... superhero or something!"

ANd My #1 ULITMATE sassy awesome kick ass girl is, of course, Veronica Mars:

"Enough already with this mellow Incense and Peppermints vibe. Let's break out the mushrooms and dance naked, strap on the goatskull headgear, sacrifice a few infants. Come on people, you're cultists. Start acting like it"

"Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you're near?"

"You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty."

"Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me"

"Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?"

"Dad... your hooker's here."

"The '70s had the Hustle. The '80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux-lesbian dance. "

"When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

"It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?"

"Actually, that’s just why I’m in jail: To avoid Valentines Day."

Also, Just as a side note, one of the funniest Veronica Mars quotes EVER:

Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around.
Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean "standing while black"?

My favorite Mac and Veronica moment:

Mac:Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.
Veronica: So how do we do it?
Mac:You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.
Veronica:You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

AAAAAANNNNDD just to add, my favorite Keith and Veronica moment:

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.
Keith:Are you doing drugs?
Veronica: No.
Keith: Good.

Anyways. I wish I were a sassy, classy, persnicketty girl.

I'll stand kind of pushed, kind of bent, on this heavy land

So every year around January through till mid March, depression kicks in in Maria Land.

I do know why it starts in January, personal stuff to do with when I was younger, but it still astounds me that year after year I manage to, even though I'm expecting it and semi-prepared for it, to be caught off gaurd and rendered completley helpless.

I hate using the word depression because it seems so teenaged and angsty. To be fair I am teenaged and angsty, but it's just, I wish I had something that sounded less like I'm writing a teen angst poem.

I guess I get so depressed (aurgh, that word again) because I'm always hella lonely from January to mid-March. It's not that I don't have friends and family around, it's just that they are all so preoccupied with their other business and I always have nothing to do. I'm always alone in my house, or [was] alone at school, or [was] alone at dance, or alone at work.

My insomnia starts to kick in, and when I finally do get to sleep, I have real vivid, real awful dreams.

Lately I've been having people sleepover, usually my bestest pals, and it really helps just to have a body sleeping next to me. Even if I can barely sleep it calms me down and makes me feel safe. I'm really afraid of the dark, it scares me so bad, and when I have someone next to me my loneliness and my fear just seems to fade. When I'm alone in the dark all I can do is freak out.


I usually spend my nights on the (very uncomfortable) couch watching TV passing out when either Shawn gets home or the sun starts to rise.

I can't wait for March.

I apologize for the teen ansgt poetry sound of this post.