ladedadeda

This is what I have to say today:

AAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!

i felt the power of death over life, i orphaned his children, i widowed his wife

Some days my loneliness is palpable. Some days it hides easily behind a hug or a kiss on the cheek a friend will give me.

Today is a lonely day. Alone in my parents house. Up early. No one to talk to.

My week has been very angst ridden. Yesterday I had a massive angst attack. Not quite a panic attack, but I was feeling so faint from being so anxious I almost passed out. They had to send me off the floor at work. I spent the next ten minutes crying in the back room.

I keep saying (lying to myself) that the mess that is my financial situation is fine. Then my parents left. Then my paycheque was tiny. Then it is my birthday. Then I need to eat food I don't have nor can afford.

Every time I have come to every single one of those realizations, the angst creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly, and then just settles in my gut, slowly dissolving the neat reassuring lies I tell myself.

I can barely sleep (especially when I'm alone). Eating makes me feel sick and throw up once in a while (so there's one problem solved!) (not funny?). The people I want to be around me at all times can't (not their fault, it's mine for being so selfish).

I felt the power
of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head

I prolly shouldn't be listening to Johnny Cash in the state I'm in (especially to American IV), but it's so good. All the time. No matter what. Plus it reminds me of a time when I was less lonely. When my dad and I were super close and would sit in our living room in the summer nights listening to John Cale and Johnny Cash (complete opposites) and eat cheese (he would drink beer and I would drink water) and he would tell me the history of the music.


BUT WAIT!

We all need someone we can lean on

So where's my person going, If you want it you can lean on me?

Sad sad sad face.

There has also been quite a bit listening to The Rolling Stones.

WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WE CAN BLEED ON
WE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN BLEED ON ME.

that's where they found me, my head in my hands

It is waaaaay too hot out for words.

I have to peel myself off bus seats and then I leave a film of sweat on the weird upholstery.

I am not a lady.

Anyways, things have been ginormously good lately. I'm not really sure why. I'm just kind of letting go of things that have bugged me for a while, doing things that I want to do, hanging out with people I don't really hangout with that much, and reconnecting with old friends (dear Hannah, why don't we get drunk off coolers together more often?).

This picture, to the left right thur, this is me and my friend Kay. I met her bout a month ago through some kind of random instances called she threw a party I went to.

MESH AND BLEND (but not bland) IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT US!
We get along so very well! She is awesome and regal and poised! I would go on and on and on but it's so fucking hot I am having trouble wanting to type. One day, soon, I will continue.

Sadly, mon amigo Kay is hopping across the pond in four days :( A whole month minus Kay! What am I gonna do???!? This is something that throws a dull ache into my glittery happiness.


Also, loads of my friends are going away on my birthday, which obviously they didn't plan and it's really not that big o' deal, but it still sucks lots. POOP!

BUT I AM LEGAL IN NINE AND A HALF DAYS! NINE AND A HALF DAYS TIL I CAN BUY LIQUOR AND CIGARETTES AND GAMBLE!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOOO!

Also, I got some musical inspiration this afternoon and found some AMAZING music that hella blew my mind hole. BLEW IT STRAIGHT ACROSS THE WORLD TO AUSTRALIA!!! That's real far. REAL FAR.

Frak. All this heat is driving me to silliness in the most extreme way.

Imma stop.

Ciao.

you make me angry, so very angry, but I love you

BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH

blah blah blah

I slept for seven hours in the day today. I haven't eaten (yay tiny waist for tomorrow. Just kidding. I'm about to stuff myself full of junk), and this is the longest I have slept in thirty two hours.

DRUGS ARE AWESOME!!!

Sometimes people are way too selfish and that's awful. Obviously I am one of the most selfish people ever, but I know the golden rule (WHICH I DO FOLLOW). If you are gonna take you need to give too.

Kay let me take pictures in Sat night/ Sunday morning so when they get posted on facebook they will be poster up in heeeeeeree. Some of them are real loverly.

CHA BRAH! CHA!

I have nothing left to say cept for I need to go eat some disgusting shit and collage to pull myself out of this weird funk.

Ciao
Bella

it's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds fromthe chains and shakles that they're in

I had the most amazing night last night. Incredible.

It was folk fest this weekend and I neither volunteered nor bought tickets but I did hear of some people hanging out at Jericho beach afterward. Since it's close to my temporary home, and I love all of the people that were supposedly going to the beach I decided to take my chances and go hangout with them.

We were sitting near a massive drum circle and our friends who had instruments were jamming. Five minutes after I get there the opportunity comes up to do a little mdma. At first I was like, 'nah brah' just cause I wasn't sure if I could handle doing drugs that night, but as more and more people decided to do (specially the first timers such as Eli and Iain) I changed my mind.

It was incredible experience. It was a really good group of people to be with, and I only did one cap, so it was the perfect high.

We ended up walking around, our goal was Lolly and my backyard. It was so much fun, just being with incredible people. being a whole different and superconnected level with them. Plus, when I do mdma, everyone fabulosities seem to come together in my head and I can articulate what I like about them best.

I had a lovely long talk with Sully, Lily, Kay, Eli and Ruby, as well as phone conversation with Caleb, about why they are some of the greatest people ever.

At one point, Lily and I went into my room to look for clothes for her, and we ended up singing. Nellie joined us, and it was this incredibly tender moment. The only thing was my eyes kept skittering as we tried to read lyrics, and it was a tad freaky. But I got over it.

It was just a fabulous night all together and I'm really glad I made a silly decision cause I had a great night.

Ciao

this heart could not accept and pretend

BLAAAAAAAHHHH BLAH BLAH!

This is how I feel sometimes.

But LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LALALALA

Sometimes I feel like that.

Things have been relatively okay for me lately. Pretty good I suppose. I have been crying lots, but when is that any different from usual?

I have been hanging out lots with Lily, which is loverly. One night, lots of days ago, and lots I mean about seven, I went to visit her and we sat in the park and smoked and talked about... life. It was perfect. It was literally a perfect night and we did without the aid of mood enhancers (I don't count nicotine as a mood enhancing drug in this case cause the conversation was so good it wouldn't have mattered whether or not the smokes were around. They just enhanced something already great).

We are doing a photoshoot together to document my nineteenth year, before my nineteenth birthday, and I am real excited about it. It's going to be wandering around the city. Some pictures with best friends, some pictures without. Then we are going to the art gallery with Kay to see the Rembrandt and Vermeer. Then we are going to do some more picture taking. Basically, it's going to be a perfect day. PERFECT PREFECT PERFECT!

Also, Lily and I are doing a Hip Hop Research Project. We are going to hunt, read, listen to, dance to, search, research, whatever verbs there are that are possible and make sense in this sentence, hip hop knowledge. We are going to become hip hop music MASTERS!

Back to the Dutch exhibit at the art gallery. I love Dutch artwork. It's incredibly detailed and smooth and so fine. Dutch artwork has this incredibly distinctive style that encaptures the feel and culture of 1600s Holland. When my family and I were in Amsterdam last summer I wanted to go to the Rjikes Museum, which has a plethora of Rembrandt's and Vermeer's, but my mother wanted to go to the Van Gogh Museum. We ended up at the Van Gogh Museum, which was also amazing, but as we left, I couldn't help feeling this vague disappointment in not getting to see art that I've known and studies for years. I told this to Lily, and she was , YO! Come to the art gallery with me, and so we go.

I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO MY FRIDAY!!!
ART IS AMAZING!
FRIENDS ARE AMAZING!
BEING NINETEEN IS GONNA BE THE BEST!

Ciao

dim sum and then some...

Dear Veronica Mars,
You have saved my life many times and once again in these past few months. Specifically in these past few days. Without you I do not know what I would do with myself. Who would feed me sassy one liners and keep me giggling to myself for days? Who would remind me that in spite of depression and despair, I can always seek revenge and weird love? Who would help me fall asleep at night? The answer is nothing, Veronica Mars, nothing. So, to everyone who worked (sadly, it ended prematurely) on the show, thank you. As weird as this sounds, you have got me through a lot of ridiculous teen angst problem.
Sincerely, Maria Sommers