and I cry

Classical music has become my one and only true love. I could lie in my bed, stoned, and listen to it for hours, nodding off into classical music themed dreams.

When I hear the beginning of a classical instrument in a song I get shivers down my spin (LISTEN TO The Suburbs(continued) By The Arcade Fire. Shivers.

When I hear the opening notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata I feel weak in the knees. Bach's Pachelbel's Canon (as cheesy as it is) makes me feel like crying and laughing all at once. Chopin's Butterfly Etude reminds of a better time (when I was a child and I had a ballet exam dance set to it).

I chalk all this up to the fact that I was raised for most of my music developing life by a classical background. Ballet everyday for nine years equates to piano everyday for nine years. Ballet symphonies for nine years. Opera's for nine years. Plus when I was a kind I had these classical music tapes I listened to fall asleep.

Currently I have Pachelbel's Canon going. I honestly believe it's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard in my life.

So, as far as my life goes, it's going.

I'm a tad worried because I'm getting all these weird symptoms of the not fun thing I had last winter. I'm not too concerned though, it would be a nearly impossible feat. But that brings me to question my body and what's going on there.

I don't upkeep my health or take care of my body very well. But I'm starting to get the feeling that there is something else wrong. Anemia perhaps. I have all the symptoms.

It's just starting to get aggravating because I'm not able to function properly at work and they're getting aggravated with me. And that never bodes well.

Never.

Also, another really good song I'm really into right now, Frozen Notes by Warren Zevon

scar tissue i wish you saw

wow, it's been a while. Really a while.

I'm not suite sure what to say. Things have been... messy. Confusing. Lonely.

Been listening to The Chili's a lot lately. Especially Scar Tissue. I remember listening to it back in the 10th grade for the first time, and taking it literally because I was dancing and apparently incredibly stupid.

Sometimes I wish that the weird habits and fears and 'scar tissue' left over from the past would be light up like a giant neon sign with the person and reason responsible for the twitches and ticks we have left over. Not that it's any one's fault for my ticks and tweaks, no one but myself, but I wish instead of having to explain myself all the time there would be a huge glowing light over top of my head explaining my problems.

Things would be so much easier.

and the winner is...

So I got some bad mental health news. Nothing I didn't already know but being officially diagnosed has gotten me really down. It's funny how it's almost a catch 22 of depression.

That's all for now folks. I've been to preoccupied with feeling sorry for myself to write. Maria = pathetic mess.

dream a little dream of me

This is my current perfect day dream and I will make it happen someday.

I want to go to Paris in the springtime. Nannying/ Au Paring in a little beret for a wealthy family. On one of my days I will find a park that overlooks a large chunk of Paris. There, with my lunch of a baguette and a block of cheese (blue cheese!) I will read a book that I love. I will cry and laugh all at once. Complete joy and tristese at the same time. The most beautiful feeling in the entire world.


I know it's a little cheesy but it's something I aspire to do.

walking around waiting downtown

Things are hard. I am lonely. Get over it Maria.

On the upside. Things are starting to fall into place. My travelling. The money for my travelling. What I actually want to do with my life. My health (not really but I'n finally getting put through for appointments). My therapy. My friends (sort of. I'm working on it).

I'm really going to push for travelling in the next few months. with my GINORMOUS tax return coming back to me soon and hopefully I can get my 2007 done cause I'll be getting some moneys back, and if I save as much as possible in the next four months I can be out of here by September, October, or November, for as short as 3 months to asl long as two years. My ideal is 6 to 8 months.

So we'll see. But as far as work goes abroad I've found somethiing plausible that someone I know has done. So fingers crossed.

I need a break from this town and the people I know. I love it here and I love everyone but I need some time alone.

I'm coming to a place in my life where I can be alone and sort of deal with my problems by myself. I'm not one hundred percent there yet but I'm learning the value of lots of time alone and a good book.

So when I'm leaving I'll be ready to spend time alone and be happy about it. And make new friends! So we'll seeeeeeeee!

a friend you used to call

I have had the most infuriating day. I'm so frustrated by the lack of maturity and acceptance of someone I used to consider a best friend but completeley turned their back on me. I'm hurt and upset and basically have decided that none of my friendships that I work hard to keep going will last long term because I have a lot of personal issues that apparently and I'm apparently not worth working out fights with because I'm somewhat of a lost cause that can't control myself or my impulses. ALSO APPARENTLY I'M A DRUG ADDICT! I GUESS THAT HAPPENED WITHOUT MY KNOWING! AWESOME!

It's so frustrating and hurtful and I almost don't want friends anymore because it hurts so much. I'M PRETTY SURE MY HEART IS GOING TO FALL OUT OUT OF EXHAUSTION. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH>

I'M A WHINING PRICK

i hate the hurt

Today I started yelling for no reason, which was stupid and uncalled for and ridonc, and ended up getting rather upset about something normal people would not freak out about but my irrational upsets made me realize that I actually have something I am upset about and through irrationality came proper rationality and thus the root of my anger and upsetness.

The birth control pill will the be the death of me (this is my problem by the way). I'm neurotic and anxious and way to f-ing emotional all the time. And I'm still hanging on to some of the emotional baggage I definitley can't help hanging on to from my thingy-a-thing-a-ma-jig way back in FUUUURRRBUUUURRRARY (that would February to the non-insane). Holy hannah may am I freaking out right now. Since I've started back on the pill, because it's one hundred percent mandatory I'm on legitimate birth control that is not crappy ass condoms, I've become this neurotic emotionally messed up lady. ALL I FUCKING DO IS CRY OR YELL! BULL JIVE MY FRIENDS!

BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTERRRRS

I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am better. Vastly. I still have some ways to go. There have been setbacks, oh my how there have been setbacks, but month by month, I inch closer to that crazy little thing they call almost an proper mental state. So good for me.