if you leave, don't leave twice

So first things first, I have some things to say to say to some loverly people:
Ruby, Lily, and Claire. You are loverly ladies with loverly hearts who make me all warm and loverly and fuzzy. Let me tell you something (it's gonna be real cheesy but it's the best analogy I can come up with). I wake up everyday and I feel like I' m trapped in a world where I wear grey colored glasses (yes this is my version of rose colored glasses but for depressed people). Everything is one blah color. Once in a while, sometime more often than not, there are little flashes of color. Those comments will leave color in my little grey world for a very long time.

And so I begin:

I am depressed. It's a painfully obvious fact and has been for a while but never has it been THIS apparent. It's gotten to the point where I'm happy when I'm depressed because it's so normal for me that I have to embrace the awfulness, or I would literally just cry all the time. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It's like because I'm so down all the time, I'm used to it and it doesn't hurt as much any more, so my norm is depressed but I've become a little desensitized to the awfulness and things just get worse and worse. The awful becomes the norm which becomes the happy.


Someone said to me a while back, I just want the Maria back who was always bubbly and laughed way too loud. And it made me cry because I'm not even remotely similar to that girl anymore.

That Maria was curvy and fun. She loved to laugh and hear other people to laugh and didn't have angst or depression or anything she needed to cry about except that her parents wouldn't let her out to party it up with her fabulous and plentiful friends.

Maria now is haggard and tired and has lost too much weight (I was 120 at the end of August, I'm 105 now and have been since at least Halloween. That's a lot of weight to lose in that short an amount of time if you aren't even trying. But for realz, have YOU tried to eat while way too anxious? You just puke it all back up). She laughs much more rarely and much less loudly. She isn't as shy as she used to be but she's much more reserved and mus more distrustful. She cries everyday without fail. She doesn't care about much except the well being of her friends and family, and she cares about her job.

Let me tell you something else. Some days I can't even get out of bed. Because I honestly can't even see a point anymore. Here is my reasoning: If nothing is going to get better, and at this point, after a year of total and incapacitating depression and angst, and a lifetime of depressed days and reoccurring angst, why am I even bothering? I mean why would anyone want to spend the rest of their life like this? I love my friends but I'm not sure that I love them more than I despise this feeling. So why should I get out of bed to go to work? So I can make money so I can continue to be a functioning member of society? WHY? I'm not getting better, there is no light at the goddamn end of the tunnel because there is no end of the tunnel. There is no color in grey land because colour doesn't exist. Life is blah and awful and it doesn't get better. So what is even the point?

YEAH
SO ANYWAYS

I have pshyc evaluation next week.
Go me. Maybe it will help me actually get better.

Until next time,
marmar

PS. Let's all (and by all, I mean the world) listen to JOURNEY ALL THE TIME PLEASE AND THANK YOU