everything's fine except you've got that look in your eye: you've got me standing in an awkward position

I dropped out of school today. Actually I withdrew from school today. It was suggested I do so by one of my teachers and I just knew I wasn't doing well in my other classes and I wasn't going to be able to catch up.

I wasted my parents money, BUT I WILL PAY THEM BACK! I can't not, it's too awful of me. I'm looking for a second job as we speak, Sbucks in the early mo and hopefully a serving job in the later evening.

I'm depressed and disappointed in myself as balls but I'm ignoring it as best possible. Imma just get wasted as much as possible with my budget this weekend and then when I get paid, blow it all on booze.

Being a failure is the worst feeling. I can hear and see and feel the disappointment from my parents, who have supported me through this entire thing. I AM A FUCK UP. WAH WAH WAH

I know that I should let go but I can't

I feel like crying for two reasons, both of them good, but only one of them happy.

1. This weekend something, friend wise that has been essentially the main reason for my angst the past little while got fixed. I don't want to go into large detail because it's super personal but things just got way better for me. And the funny thing is, is that in the past part of what is making me happy would have destroyed me for a good while. So yay for healing myself and my relationships.

2. I really miss my friends who are away. JD and Lolly I miss you guys like crazy. I have definitely cried over it, as I tend to do when I miss people. It's not even bad, I'm super happy for both them doing awesome things on their own, but I am a selfish person and want them both back. NOW PLEASE.


That is all for tonight. My father just came down and accused me of being a drug addict because I can't sleep, so imma push my body to sleep just to spite him. HAHA, not going to happen.

Insomnia is the worst. It pisses everyone off.

my fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundations

Dear most boys whom I know,

Most of you are such uncaring-about-others assholes sometimes. You care about yourselves and your loneliness so much that you neglect to think our feelings and how we feel when you a) hit us inappropriately, and b) when two seconds later you're off doing the same thing to another girl, one of our friends. It's gross and degrading and it actually hurts us sometimes. Just because we don't go around throwing ourselves at you or touching you inappropriately doesn't mean we aren't lonely. it just means we won't settle for the first attractive thing that comes our way. We're in it for the long haul, something that we consider worth while, NOT some bullshit, this person is drunk so I guess i should. Leave us alone, or at least, be gentlemen. Ask us to dance instead of just grabbing us and practically molesting us. Don't touch us inappropriately. Don't ask us to sit on your laps or kiss you or touch your hair or the material that your pants is made of. If we aren't already doing it, we don't want to be. AND, if you ask us to do one of these things and there is a little bit of hesitation IT MEANS WE ARE SUPER RELUCTANT TO DO IT AND REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE!!! Please, for the sake of our sanity and our pride, BACK OFF. If we want you, we'll let it be known.

marmar

Anyways, with that said, Kate Nash, my new musical best friend. Her lyrics aren't great, but they aren't terrible either, and i just feel really happy, and also really into fall whenever i listen to her.

This is all I have to say this evening.
ciao

Jeremiah was a bullfrog/I'm a soul man

YAY Thanksgiving. Yum yum yum cranberry sauce, my favorite part of the holidays.

So I should really be getting down to homework right now, but I just can't focus this weekend, and so I'm going to use my blog as a tool of distraction and procrastination.

I've been having the best and worst time of my life. While I thoroughly enjoy school and learning and sometimes even studying *gasp* I also have gotten so behind I had the worst breakdown that I've had in quite a while. It was terrifying. The worst panic attack of my life for sure.

While I thoroughly love going out and meeting new people, especially cute boy from UVic two weeks ago, reconnecting with R's friend this weekend, talking to people I kind of knew and now fully know, hanging out with the super cool bartenders and doorguys,etc., I don't like showing up to the Astoria on metal night and then getting may to drunk and in yelling matches outside and then going home to puke in my toilet while my friends use the sink and shower for the exact same thing at the exact same time. Blah.

Urgh. I love my parents but dealing with them is hard.

Life is hard! Why don't they teach is these things in school? Oh right, they did, I just wasn't in class on those days.


Well, things to look forward to:
- emailing my phila prof and changing my essay topic to something I'm genuinely interested in.
- seeing cute boy next saturday
- SOUL CLUB!
- Convincing Johnny boy to come down to soul club
- LA NORRIS!

SUPA STOKED
SO SICK BRO SOOOOOO SICK

I'm a ginormous loser geek, but it's not so bad.

ciao bellas.