This is what I have to say today:
AAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
i felt the power of death over life, i orphaned his children, i widowed his wife
Some days my loneliness is palpable. Some days it hides easily behind a hug or a kiss on the cheek a friend will give me.
Today is a lonely day. Alone in my parents house. Up early. No one to talk to.
My week has been very angst ridden. Yesterday I had a massive angst attack. Not quite a panic attack, but I was feeling so faint from being so anxious I almost passed out. They had to send me off the floor at work. I spent the next ten minutes crying in the back room.
I keep saying (lying to myself) that the mess that is my financial situation is fine. Then my parents left. Then my paycheque was tiny. Then it is my birthday. Then I need to eat food I don't have nor can afford.
Every time I have come to every single one of those realizations, the angst creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly, and then just settles in my gut, slowly dissolving the neat reassuring lies I tell myself.
I can barely sleep (especially when I'm alone). Eating makes me feel sick and throw up once in a while (so there's one problem solved!) (not funny?). The people I want to be around me at all times can't (not their fault, it's mine for being so selfish).
I felt the power
of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I prolly shouldn't be listening to Johnny Cash in the state I'm in (especially to American IV), but it's so good. All the time. No matter what. Plus it reminds me of a time when I was less lonely. When my dad and I were super close and would sit in our living room in the summer nights listening to John Cale and Johnny Cash (complete opposites) and eat cheese (he would drink beer and I would drink water) and he would tell me the history of the music.
BUT WAIT!
We all need someone we can lean on
So where's my person going, If you want it you can lean on me?
Sad sad sad face.
There has also been quite a bit listening to The Rolling Stones.
WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WE CAN BLEED ON
WE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN BLEED ON ME.
Today is a lonely day. Alone in my parents house. Up early. No one to talk to.
My week has been very angst ridden. Yesterday I had a massive angst attack. Not quite a panic attack, but I was feeling so faint from being so anxious I almost passed out. They had to send me off the floor at work. I spent the next ten minutes crying in the back room.
I keep saying (lying to myself) that the mess that is my financial situation is fine. Then my parents left. Then my paycheque was tiny. Then it is my birthday. Then I need to eat food I don't have nor can afford.
Every time I have come to every single one of those realizations, the angst creeps up slowly, slowly, slowly, and then just settles in my gut, slowly dissolving the neat reassuring lies I tell myself.
I can barely sleep (especially when I'm alone). Eating makes me feel sick and throw up once in a while (so there's one problem solved!) (not funny?). The people I want to be around me at all times can't (not their fault, it's mine for being so selfish).
I felt the power
of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I prolly shouldn't be listening to Johnny Cash in the state I'm in (especially to American IV), but it's so good. All the time. No matter what. Plus it reminds me of a time when I was less lonely. When my dad and I were super close and would sit in our living room in the summer nights listening to John Cale and Johnny Cash (complete opposites) and eat cheese (he would drink beer and I would drink water) and he would tell me the history of the music.
BUT WAIT!
We all need someone we can lean on
So where's my person going, If you want it you can lean on me?
Sad sad sad face.
There has also been quite a bit listening to The Rolling Stones.
WE ALL NEED SOMEONE WE CAN BLEED ON
WE IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN BLEED ON ME.
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